bam.

Oh, like you don’t do this on your weekends?

I’m working on my Roller Derby Debut entry. But until that’s finished, there’s this.

Pamie Creates a Pile-Up from Glark on Vimeo.

I’m the girl in the blue helmet, rounding up the back, slamming to the rail causing my teammate (sorry, Kiss M’Grits, I stepped in too early) and the opposing jammer (HELL, yeah! That’s what I was trying to do) to fall to the ground. This isn’t billiards, people. It’s not slop as long as the right girl is eventually on the ground.

That girl you hear screaming, “MINNIE, SKATE! MINNIE, SKATE!” is co-manager Trixie Biscuit. She must have been standing right next to my brother Glark, who takes awesome pictures, some of which I even allow on the Internet.

Get Up

[I was asked to write a script for the Baby Doll Brawl trailer based on my “coming out” entry where all the skaters in the Baby Doll Brawl would share a monologue about why we skate. In the end, someone else had cut together the All-Star reel to use instead (and we’ve been so busy practicing I don’t know when we would have had time to film this thing), so I’m printing my script here. This is dedicated to all the Fresh Meat derby girls kicking ass this Saturday (VIP sold out! General Admission still available! Hurry!). It’s awesome skating with you guys, and I wanted you to know that I wrote these words for you, because I’m continually impressed with and proud of all of you. Good luck. (Go team Witch-Slap!)]
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(hee hee) x 3

[scripty]
Dana
Happy birthday, Allison.

Pamie
Yeah, happy birthday. That food was so good.

Allison
Thanks. I love this place. Scott and I come here all the time. It’s kind of ridiculous. One time last week, we came in for lunch and dinner.

Dana
You must come in here a lot, because when you were parking the car we told them, “It’s our friend’s birthday.” And they went, “Oh, it’s Allison’s birthday?”

Allison
That’s… well, yeah, I come here way too often. But, y’all, I’m so good. I didn’t come here today, and I didn’t come here yesterday.

(beat)

Pamie
Allison. It is today. And you’re here now.

Dana
Yeah, and didn’t you come here yesterday?

Allison
Oh, crap.

[db]

[scripty]
Gritty
That’s it! Get your ass on her!

Pamie
Those two girls up on the track are so small.

Gritty
I know. Not an ass between them.

Pamie
Just a bunch of arms. Look at all their arms!

Gritty
It does look like they have a lot of arms.

Pamie
No ass, but eight arms. Wait. No, they do have eight arms. Wait. No, they have… they have… two girls have four arms, right? No, I was right the first time. Eight arms.

Gritty
Wow.

Pamie
Two girls… oh. No. Four arms.

Gritty
(Patting my helmet)
It’s been a rough week.

Pamie
Maybe I was thinking limbs.

Gritty
You’ve been hit in the head a lot. It’s okay. I understand.
[/scripty]

[db]

[scripty]
Cat
Pamie, I think you should have a baby. Oh! Yes! I just came up with that, but it’s true. I want you to have a baby. Right now.

Dana
No.

Pamie
What? Why?

Cat
(clapping with glee)
Because then I can hold it!

Pamie
Well, that makes sense. I’ll get right on it.

Cat
And then the four of us can raise it together.

Dana
There are three of us sitting here.

Cat
Sara will want to help raise the baby.

Pamie
(Sara voice)
“Fine, Baby. I guess you’re coming with me to the set tonight.”

Dana
I’m the one trained to raise children. I’ll have to use all of my professional knowledge when Pam just lets that kid run all over her.

Pamie
Isn’t this my baby at all? And if I got pregnant, wouldn’t there be someone else who would have a say in all of this?

Cat
Ooh! When the baby needs a stern talking to, or a man’s opinion, I’ll put on a mustache.

Pamie
Cat, you just want to wear a mustache.

Cat
Yeah. Yeah.

Pamie
Jeez. Then one day you won’t be able to find your mustache, and you’ll be walking around with your finger looped your finger over your mouth.

Cat
Ooh, that’ll work. (Looping finger over mouth, in deep voice:) “What seems to be the problem, Baby? What can Daddymommy do for you?”

Dana
(disgusted)
Ohmigod, I’m voting Yes on Prop 8.
[/scripty]

(Watch Sara’s ultra-steamy-lesbianific House episode airing tonight!)

very soon now.

…And then possibly I can go back to some non-derby-themed topics. Forgive me for being so one-note with this upcoming bout, but I’ve been pretty much living at the track for the past month, working on the continuing saga of “Do I Suck As Hard As I Think I Do? (Yes, I Do/No, I Don’t/Yes, I Totally Do/Dammit/Ow/Yay/Crap).”

You Can Cover a Derby Girl’s Ass

My Baby Doll Brawl team needs uniforms for our upcoming bout, so we’re looking for a sponsor.

Sponsorship costs $500, and gets you (and your company):

1. Announcer mentions at the bout
2. Banner in venue (for that game only)
3. 1/2 page ad in program ($75 Value)
4. 4 VIP tickets ($100 Value)
5. A team of pretty girls thinking you’re awesome.

If you’re interested, please send me an email. Thanks!

Mom. Close your eyes.

Oh. My. God.

October 25, 2008 6:00 – 10:00 PM
Buy Tickets

The Doll Factory
1910 W. Temple Street
Los Angeles, CA 90026

Check out our up and coming stars of next season battle it out to show who’s gonna be a real contender for next year. Sure to be filled with loads of spills and thrills. What they may lack in experience they make up for with Heart. Always a fun event and loaded with Action!

Special 1/2 time Bout with our youngest Derby Dolls. An Exhibition bout featuring our very own Jr. Derby Dolls! Our Jr. Derby Dolls are ages 8-17.

STANDING ROOM ONLY UNLESS you purchase a VIP ticket! A VIP ticket will give you an unassigned seat in the bleacher area for a birdseye view of the game and VIP restrooms!

This is how I roll.

For almost four months now, I’ve been living a bit of a double life. It was a secret at first, mostly because I didn’t want to talk about it, I wanted to just do it. Plus, a lot of people weren’t going to understand. They were going to judge me. Not that I care about that, I mean, not too much. But I didn’t want to be a poseur. I wanted to wait until I knew I was really in it. Until I was sure.

I’m not the only one who does it, and from what I understand, more and more women are doing it every day. I wanted it to be just mine, just for a little while. But people have been asking me to write about it, and as much as I liked having this secret, it’s time for me to go public, because it’s about to become very public, whether I like it or not. Read more