Tales from the Accidental Asshole: The Wine Tasting

I am not the best when it comes to names and faces. I will remember one or the other, but I cannot seem to put them together. And I’ve even tried the thing where you hear someone’s name and then you imagine them wrapped up in their name, like “Monica Berg” becomes a cheeseburger moaning in ecstasy or whatever, but the next time I see that lady, you can bet I’ll somehow end up calling her “Patty Cheesescream,” right to her face.
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Why I haven’t been updating my blog often enough: good excuses.

There’s no order of importance here, but in the last week or so I’ve had a package lost at the post office, a letter returned because it didn’t reach the recipient in time, my computer stolen, and my tailbone broken.

I’m not sad or pissed off, but I am getting impatient with living my days balanced on one hip and my nights splayed across ice packs. And I’m really tired of calling the post office. Other than that, it’s work-book-work.

Mostly I’m nervous, because in a couple of days I’m teaching a class where I’m not as worried about being funny as I am being fun. Ages 8-12?! Yikes. I am a very old lady to them.

Speaking of, last weekend I got carded buying a bottle of wine, and the mohawked dude behind the counter looks at my ID and goes, “Whoa. WHOA.” Then he looks at the people in line behind me and goes, “I thought she was WAY younger than that. I mean, that’s a like, a baby face compared to how old you–”

“ALL RIGHT,” I shouted. “It was flattering at first, but that’s enough. I’m not THAT old.”

And then he did that head bob that means, “Kinda you are.”

That story has nothing to do with why I haven’t been updating my blog other than I proceeded to drink that bottle of wine, talking about how I’m not old, and then I was in no condition to write anything to anyone.

…I will probably not tell that story to the eight-year olds.

calling all winos.

I got to spend some time this past Sunday afternoon in this wine cave with some good people (including these people.) When Chris and Tess are around, I just let them choose whatever it is I’m drinking. It always works.

I didn’t buy anything, so I avoided anything like the last time I went wine tasting, but that’s mostly because I was starting to feel some jet lag. Next time.

Speaking of trips from LAX, AB is here for a visit, even though she was scheduled on every single flight cancelled by American Airlines. She eventually made it, and now the weather has decided to pretend it’s last summer so that she’ll feel more welcome. We’re already sunburned.

bad night. (warning: not for the squeamish or sympathetic.)

So we hosted a small party last night, mostly comprised of people we’ve never met before. Five minutes after the first group of guests arrived, I was bleeding into the kitchen sink.

This was not one of my better parties. Well, I can’t speak for the people who attended, but I wish I could send apology notes to them. I guess that’s what I’m doing here, since many of them seemed familiar with this website. Read more

Jessica.

Let’s see. Bit of a wine headache, little bit groggy, and feeling like I spoke all the words ever invented — must have hung out with Jessica last night.

She arrives at my house and it’s like Texas has come for a visit. Always in a patterned skirt/blouse combination absolutely nobody else could pull off. Thick, dark hair that falls from a ponytail in slow motion like a scene from a movie. She acts like it’s no big deal. She’s filled with compliments, but she’s the one who always looks like the woman Sandra Bullock wants to be.

“All right, Miss Pama-lama. What is going on with you?” Read more

How Not To Buy A Couch

Last night’s pitch went well, and then I got lost leaving the lot. It gets dark at five now, a pitch black darkness that was even stranger yesterday due to the clouds overhead. I somehow turned the wrong direction and was driving through empty, dark sets. I’d be driving through some town square, then some kind of Brooklyn street, then a Mission, and then some kind of frontier town. It’s very difficult to figure out where you are going if your location keeps changing time periods. Read more