[AUDIO NOTE: I performed this piece this past weekend at Anna David's True Tales of Lust and Love (also starring Melissa Villasenor, Morgan Walsh, and Claire Titelman.) I highly recommend listening to this tale in all its mortifying glory -- it's better with the sound of an audience screech-laughing in horror. Here's the link to the recording of the show. (On iTunes here in the 11/12 show.) I'm the third story.]
[WARNING: This story is not for the squeamish.]
So I’m super pregnant. And with that comes all these horrible things. Like, I can’t feel my fingertips – haven’t been able to in weeks. It’s carpal tunnel, it apparently happens to pregnant women, and it’s shitty. My gums bleed when I brush my teeth, I’ve lost all the hair on my arms, I am down to one position in bed where I can sleep without my legs going numb, I’ve got this cold I’m not allowed to take anything for other than hot baths and pity parties, and there’s a parasite that lives inside of me that absorbs all of my nutrients. Or as my El Salvadorian housekeeper likes to say: “Your baby is stealing your beauty.”
So Tara was coming to town and mentioned she’d like to get a massage. I’d recently spoken to two different friends who had just come back from a place called Olympic Spa, and they both said to me, “I go whenever I can.” One of them lives in Hawaii. If you wake up in Maui every day and there’s a place in Los Angeles you dream about? It’s got to be pretty good.
Going to Olympic Spa would hit on several things I enjoy at once.
2. Massages and scrubs.
3. More stories about being naked near Tara, just in case one day I get to write a book about it.
with the amount of time i spent in the spa you wouldn’t think it was possible to be this sore
Best. Trip. Ever.
No, really, I had a great time. My mother said to me on our flight into Vegas, “Don’t you think it will be strange meeting a bunch of people that you only know from writing every day?”
And I thought, for a second, that it would be. And then I met everyone.
what happens when i’m tired and hungry.
I’m not saying this to worry you or make you think there’s something wrong with me. I’m just not hungry at all lately. I forget to eat all of the time, and when I do eat, I’m almost instantly full. I just don’t want any food right now. It’s making me tired, and I realize that I probably should go and pop a bag of popcorn or something just to have a little food in me, but the thought of the smell of popcorn is making my stomach twist.