People have written to ask where the Valentine poems were this year. I didn’t do them, for three reasons. One being after ten years of writing them, I thought maybe leaving it at ten and out was a nice round number. Secondly, I’d just completed the manuscript and two straight years of work/strike/work, and was feeling like I needed some time away from creating jokes. And third, to be honest, when I tried to come up with something, I really only had one poem in my head, one that said at one point, “So Valentine’s Day can go fuck itself in the eye.” I concluded that perhaps it just wasn’t the right time. Read more
[I was asked to write a script for the Baby Doll Brawl trailer based on my “coming out” entry where all the skaters in the Baby Doll Brawl would share a monologue about why we skate. In the end, someone else had cut together the All-Star reel to use instead (and we’ve been so busy practicing I don’t know when we would have had time to film this thing), so I’m printing my script here. This is dedicated to all the Fresh Meat derby girls kicking ass this Saturday (VIP sold out! General Admission still available! Hurry!). It’s awesome skating with you guys, and I wanted you to know that I wrote these words for you, because I’m continually impressed with and proud of all of you. Good luck. (Go team Witch-Slap!)]
The Secret of Our Success
1. He never makes me see him pee.
2. I never let him see me do yoga in shorts.
Do you still love me?
Do you still love me?
Do you still love me?
Do you still love me when I’m sitting on this couch instead of that one? Do you still (one, two, three, four, five, six, seven, eight, belgium) love me when I’m wearing blue socks instead of green? Because the first day you told me you loved me, I was wearing green socks, so I always wear them, but this pair got washed with something weird, because my stupid ROOMMATE touched my THINGS which he’s NOT SUPPOSED TO DO and now it’s kind of more blue than green and I’m pretty sure that means you will not love me anymore, even if you wanted to and also there’s an earthquake coming.
i’m lousy at cleaning.
(i always skip the floors.)
i’m lousy at plant maintenance.
(everything i touch seems to die.)
i’m terrible at not singing really loudly in the car.
(but the song’s so good!)
my hair is usually more in the state of “coping” than “thriving.”
i bite my nails. i have weathered feet.
sometimes i forget there’s a litter box in this place.
if that’s not too annoying…
i promise to love you with all of my heart
and make sure you laugh every day
and go to sleep safe every night.
and i’ll even overlook all those weird things you do or don’t do.
like, how you …
you know, i’m not even going to say it here.
no, really. that’s how much i love you.
no matter how much you want me to tell you, i won’t say what i was about to say.
happy valentine’s day.
Valentine To an Extreme Crush Who Has No Idea You Are Interested
MSG: Hey, kiddo.
(found taped to a storefront in Los Angeles.)
I wanted to get you a bunny for Valentine’s Day.
That’s cute, right?
A little bunny, all hopping around and being cute?
And I remember you saying you always wanted one when you were little,
but your mom wouldn’t let you.
But apparently other people had the same idea, because the pet store was all out.
I drove around Los Angeles until I found a place that sold live rabbits.
It was in Chinatown.
I can’t stop crying.
OCD VD II
Did you remember to lock the back door?
Before we left, did you remember to lock the back door?
I think… I think maybe it’s unlocked.
I don’t know, either I left it unlocked, or you unlocked it after I locked it.
Don’t get like that, it’s possible you unlocked it.
I mean, you have unlocked a door before, haven’t you?
So it’s possible that at some point you might have unlocked the back door before we came here.
Just say I’m right. Just say it.
I am not raising my voice, and people are not staring.
You wanna ruin Valentine’s Day?
That’s just fine.
We’ll stay here, and have this fancy dinner at this really expensive restaurant and when we go home all of our things will have been stolen out the back door.
So let’s have a toast! To our robbers!
No, seriously. Did you remember to lock the back door?
Are you sure you didn’t unlock it when you meant to lock it?
I could call Jim and have him go over and look.
It’ll only take a minute!
No, you know, I’m just… I’m gonna call Jim.
Oh, he’s not busy. That dude hasn’t had a girlfriend in three years. Not as long as he drives that scooter.
I am not going outside to use the phone. By the time I get out there I’d have already talked to–
JIM? JIM, YEAH, IT’S ME. WHAT? NO, IT’S HARD TO HEAR YOU IN HERE BECAUSE I’M IN A RESTAURANT.
I’M IN A RESTAURANT!
LISTEN, UM… COULD YOU…
OH, SHIT, NO WAY. NO FUCKING WAY. YOU’VE GOTTA-
Jim lost five hundred bucks on that game last night.
JIM. HEY. JIM.
DO ME A FAVOR. I NEED YOU TO–
Where are you going? Are you crying?
I’m very sorry, but I think I will be missing dinner tonight. Hope you didn’t make too big of plans. I’m just swamped now and I’ve got a notes meeting and I think they want to shoot this before the end of the month which is just stupid and I might have to sleep in my office. I don’t even know if you’re checking your email or already left for your hair appointment. But if you get this: PLEASE don’t forget to TiVo Lost!!!! Ur the best! (PS: Still support the WGA? (I got you an internet residual for valentine’s day.))
Love is a choice.
I fully believe that.
Also, I think it’s controlled by the same part of the brain that makes you actively choose to pretend you don’t know how the stove works.
Oh, you wanted a Valentine?
No, it’s just…
I thought you were better than that.
Like, I thought you were confident and strong and didn’t need some corporate bullshit proof that you’re special to someone.
Oh, so now you’re not going to talk to me?
What do you mean, you don’t believe me?
Okay, I’m broke!
there’s a floor tile
in the kitchen
just past the refrigerator.
that is where i am dancing.
tippie-toed, fists clenched, eyes shut tight.
i am dancing
in honor of you
because of you
Happy Valentine’s Day.
No, no, no, no, no.
Baby, that’s not what I said.
I said I’m Passion-Aggressive.
You better believe there’s such a thing.
That means I’m gonna kiss the lips off your face.
Off your face, lady!
Ain’t no pill gonna fix that, because there’s nothing wrong with it.
Passion-Aggression. All up on my lap.
Come here, sweetheart. You look good.
You buy those for me?
You look good in them.
Ooop. Sorry, I didn’t realize they were so sensitive.
Did I break that? Oh, man.
Three hundred dollars!
Then they shouldn’t fall apart when I pull at them a little.
I guess they don’t make panties that can handle my passion aggression.
That’s okay. I like you better naked.
Is it Valentine’s Day or something? Man, you are on fire.
I first heard about you in Texas.
I wasn’t impressed.
To be completely honest, the thought of you made me gag.
But I decided to be brave.
That first time was a complete failure. On all levels.
I did not speak highly of you.
I believe I called you “gross.”
We tried again.
I was introduced to you by a man who thought I’d like you.
He was right.
And I quickly became addicted.
I have no idea how much money I’ve spent on you over the years.
How much time.
How many different ways we’ve done it.
Hand. Roll. Smothered.
I thought we’d be together forever.
(I still do.)
But lately you’ve been on the news. Making a name for yourself.
A bad name.
Apparently, you are loaded with toxic chemicals.
Every time you touch my mouth, you kill me, just a bit more.
You are turning me into a thermometer.
Turning my ovaries into giant nickels.
I can blame you for my crazy.
Ahi, Toro, Maguro, hai!
Watashi wa anata o hontooni aishite imasu.
is the only word left to say.
…So how come you keep talking after you said it?
Like, a lot. Like, a lot a lot!
I think you wanted to drag it out until today so that you could get a present.
That’s pretty crafty.
So I got you this mini Nano.
Thanks for ten great years of sharing Valentine’s Day with me.
Our luggage was late.
I got home close to midnight.
Forgive me for them taking so long.
This year’s poems were written by a variety of talented friends who were trapped at the Denver Airport with me, and our driver Dan. Enjoy. Read more
that certain summer.
you were wearing that little bikini
and we played volleyball.
i thought it would be funny
to pull the string in the back
as you went for the spike.
man, i was right.
that was funny.
I wish you had a better sense of humor.
Happy Valentine’s Day.
more than coffee.
more than a new pack of cigarettes.
more than a naked matt damon.
more than a naked matt damon and a naked mena suvari
telling me to come to bed.
more than finding twenty bucks in my jeans pocket.
more than a pixies reunion.
i really do love you.
alright, at heart, it’s a cop-out entry
If Lenny Kravitz keeps this up, mark my words, in a couple of years there’s going to be an insecticide commercial on television called “Fly Away.”
In the unexplained phenomena category:
Both of my ears are pierced. I used to wear two small silver hoops in them about two years ago. I lost the earrings, and I haven’t worn a pair of earrings since. Last month my right ear’s piercing got infected. I thought it was odd, but decided that weird stuff happens, and I took care of it. Now the other earring hole is infected. What up, yo? I thought they only got infected when you wore crappy earrings. I haven’t even done anything to them.
haiku for the hungover
Good-bye party fun.
All my good friends showed up there.
They made me feel good.
we played poker late.
i think tequila was there.
hey i won twelve bucks.
how poker is ruining my life
I know too many
with a Gemini birthday.
My wallet is bare.
“Hi, sleepy pamie.
Quit playing poker at night.
You look like shit, girl”.