Acts of Incompetent Genius

I had this sudden idea the other night while I was eating a steak dinner and watching some Frontline special about technology (settle down, boys, this girl’s taken) that it’d be an interesting, potentially time-saving experiment to see if I could keep myself from Wonder Killing for an entire week. For me, that means not Googling something the very second I have a question.

I thought I’d probably need to keep a diary of this time, both to keep my hands from Googling, and to write about whether or not it was difficult for me to stay away from Googling. Then I imagined the essay I might write after the experiment was over. There’d probably be this list of things I’d been wondering over the week. Important things, like, “What season did George Clooney join Facts of Life? or “How many cups in a liter?” or “Horse jokes dirty” or “Bare Necessities Promo Code.” Bloated by my Frontline-enhanced ego (it’s similar to when we all think we could just write for This American Life or when someone says, “You should do my life as a sitcom”), I pictured this essay would create an entertaining discussion of how many random questions float through our minds during the day that we perhaps used to use to engage in entertaining conversations, but instead now we answer things on our own, clicking into our private encyclopedias at the end of our fingertips. Continue reading

xbox 365.

I haven’t had a gaming system in my home for years.

This has been intentional. I know myself enough to know that as soon as there’s a controller on my coffee table, all of my time will just disappear.

But now there’s an Xbox in the house. XBOX? xBox? I don’t care. I don’t have time to look it up because I can’t stop playing it.

At first I was able to pretend it was no big deal. It’s another little box near the television. Like the Apple TV or the DVR. Just something over there to entertain, but it’s not like it has Rock Band or something, so I’m cool just ignoring it.

You know, ignore it and focus on things in the real world that are important. Like a job. Or trying to get a job. The spec screenplay I keep promising people. Something that shows, at the end of the day, you actually existed that day. You accomplished something. Continue reading

ring-ring.

[scripty]
PAMIE
Hello?

SARA
Hi! What are you doing?

PAMIE
I’m watching a Planet Earth.

SARA
Nerd.

PAMIE
Technically, I was working on my book, and then I spent some time trying to figure out if I wanted to upgrade to Leopard, and now I’m watching a Planet Earth.

SARA
NERD!
[/scripty]

wonder killer moment #496.

[scripty]
stee’s mom
[laying down scrabble tiles]
Doesn’t it look like “radios” should have an “e” before the “s”?

stee
Yeah, I guess so.

stee’s mom
I wonder if it should.

pamie
[who isn’t playing the game, but is nearby, reading a book]
No, because there’s a vowel before the “o.”

stee’s mom
Excuse me?

pamie
The plural of an “o” word only adds the “e” if there’s a consonant before the “o.” Like “potatoes,” or “tomatoes.” But you wouldn’t have it in “radios.” Or “videos.”

stee’s mom
I never knew there was a rule for that. Isn’t that fascinating?

stee
NERD!
[/scripty]

Nine Inch Nails: The Downward Spiral

Song: “Hurt

It was Halloween and I was nineteen and Trent Reznor was singing this song behind a scrim showing images of rotting animal corpses and flowers dying and it was before the video came out and I’d never seen anything like this before in my life and I thought, “This man. This man is the only one who knows why it hurts to be me.”

Continue reading

a simple phone call.

[scripty]
AB
Hellooo00ooo0o?

PAMIE
Ha! Hi.

AB
Why are you laughing at me?

PAMIE
Why did you answer the phone like that?

AB
Like what?

PAMIE
“Hellllo000oo0oo0?”

AB
Shut up. Did I sound like that?

PAMIE
“Hellllo000oo0oo0?”
[/scripty]
Continue reading

plays well with others.

Whenever I had to change schools as a kid, I’d always get really sick on the first day of school. It was always stomach related, and made me feel like I was going to throw up from sadness. In fact, I’d be so sad I could actually start heaving. It meant I almost always missed the second day of school at the new school. I just couldn’t handle going back to the new school on the second day, being at the unfamiliar place once again, trying to make friends. Continue reading