[AUDIO NOTE: I performed this piece this past weekend at Anna David's True Tales of Lust and Love (also starring Melissa Villasenor, Morgan Walsh, and Claire Titelman.) I highly recommend listening to this tale in all its mortifying glory -- it's better with the sound of an audience screech-laughing in horror. Here's the link to the recording of the show. (On iTunes here in the 11/12 show.) I'm the third story.]
[WARNING: This story is not for the squeamish.]
So I’m super pregnant. And with that comes all these horrible things. Like, I can’t feel my fingertips – haven’t been able to in weeks. It’s carpal tunnel, it apparently happens to pregnant women, and it’s shitty. My gums bleed when I brush my teeth, I’ve lost all the hair on my arms, I am down to one position in bed where I can sleep without my legs going numb, I’ve got this cold I’m not allowed to take anything for other than hot baths and pity parties, and there’s a parasite that lives inside of me that absorbs all of my nutrients. Or as my El Salvadorian housekeeper likes to say: “Your baby is stealing your beauty.”
So Tara was coming to town and mentioned she’d like to get a massage. I’d recently spoken to two different friends who had just come back from a place called Olympic Spa, and they both said to me, “I go whenever I can.” One of them lives in Hawaii. If you wake up in Maui every day and there’s a place in Los Angeles you dream about? It’s got to be pretty good.
Going to Olympic Spa would hit on several things I enjoy at once.
2. Massages and scrubs.
3. More stories about being naked near Tara, just in case one day I get to write a book about it.
We didn’t just take a million pictures and post six thousand tweets. We made a podcast.
I’m honored to have been a part of Overwhelming Positivity 32, where you learn about zipline freak-outs, island curses, and why we should get a refund from our stargazing trip. And it starts with my “phone voice.” We recorded it on our last night in Hawaii, and by the end of it, you might feel you went on this trip, too. Or at the very least, you might come down with a touch of the “Aloha spirit.”
If nothing else, please don’t miss the, lovingly handmade by Glark. You might be inspired to add your own lyrics.
(I like to download their podcasts so I can take them with me on planes and trains and doctor’s waiting rooms. It makes me that crazy lady who laughs into the air and sometimes says, “I know!” …but at this point, I’ve got nothing left to lose.)
[I swear to you, this is the last time I'll talk about this Hawaii trip. Last time!]
thursdays are killing me
it’s time for the friday link-a-lot
So, I open the Austin Chronicle yesterday afternoon, and who do I see but Paul and Andy. I’ve never seen Andy with a mohawk before. Well, if you’re gonna do an article on nudity in Austin theatre, you’d better call Andy. I’m just sayin’.
i just never took it so literally.
Ugh! Ih! Ih! Ih!
I should just go home right now. I need to go home and start my weekend and just get a whole bunch of work done and pretend that the past five minutes didn’t just happen because they have been too damaging.
I went out for a smoke break. It has been rainy in Austin for the past week, and today it’s rather sunny and warm. This means that our smoke break area is filled with all sorts of insects and creepy-crawlies who are trying to find a new home. The wall/bench we sit on has caterpillars and inchworms and small ants and things. I don’t really freak out about those kinds of bugs, although my friend does, so he kept his distance while I sat around nature and had my break.