Why I’m Missing Mindy Kaling’s Book Signing (More Proof I Can Never Be Cool)

So I’ve had this cold. It’s been going on for over a week at this point, which is ridiculous. Listen, if I go through all the trouble to be responsible and get the flu shot before flu season, I shouldn’t be able to get sick for ten days straight with anything. I should get credit for letting someone stick a needle in my arm in the back of a Vons next to the frozen food section. Read more

Djörk

I am headed to the Austin Film Festival tomorrow (click here for my panel info), and some of you who follow me on Twitter have already warned me to be careful since Johnny Depp will be there as well and there’s the potential for me to do something like that time I accidentally made an asshole out of myself in front of John Henson. Well, listen. I just want you to know that I have evolved.

Mostly. Read more

Forces of Nature

First:

A Short Play to Demonstrate the Amount of Control Anna Beth Chao Has Over My Life

[Two women sit 1736 miles away from each other.

An unemployed blonde with absolutely nothing to do for months stares at her living room bookcase, picks up her cell phone and sends a text.]

PAMIE: What if I moved the Flurgen* to the other wall? Where the puffs hang? And put tiny couch where the big couch is?

[The other woman is tiny, wearing Hammer pants, and is currently painting the area behind her kitchen electrical sockets, using a toothbrush made of unicorn eyelashes. Her phone buzzes. She looks at the message, and immediately texts back:]

ANNA BETH: No

Fin

* Flurgen = code for the IKEA bookcase that almost killed us.

And for those of you who can’t get enough of watching me look like a dork, Glark posted his footage of Zipline Badass. In HD. Bonus: He aligns both POVs, so you can Zapruder my humiliation.

Happy Mardi Gras! I’m totally flashing you my boobs right now, I promise.

A thin line.

“Good morning, America!”

He says this to me every morning, usually as I’m passing him on my way out the door, while he unloads the power tools I’m trying to escape.

“Good morning, Evidio.”

“All this noise I’m making. I’m going to have to take you out to dinner to repay you.” He raises both hands in surrender, beaming. “I have no choice! I must take you out!”

He’s a smooth operator. Always smiling, always cracking jokes. When he and his crew have to work at my place, I make coffee and breakfast, and it’s been nice getting to know him over the years. He was very supportive during the strike, even though it meant less work for him, too. He started working on a project just at the same time my job ended, so we’ve been seeing more of each other lately than usual. Read more

Tales From Fresh Meat: the time I almost died in Historic Filipinotown.

This is a reprint of an essay I sent to the Derby Dolls and Fresh Meat mailing lists back in early August. Back then, Helen Surly Frown didn’t have her awesome Derby name, so I’m putting it in here to protect the innocent. Allison? Well, she’s just stuck being outed with me.

Razorslut posted many weeks ago about the Historic Filipinotown 5K, saying she got clearance to skate it, and that it would be fun. She encouraged everybody to sign up. So three of us: Freshies Allison, Surly and myself, did. And then it turns out everybody else in the world went to RollerCon. We figured certainly someone else would be there. Some other Freshie, perhaps. No. Just us. Representing all y’all.

[ETA: Both the registration and the start/finish line were at the Doll Factory, the warehouse where the Derby Dolls reside. The Derby Dolls take an active role in the community through several service organizations. A couple of weeks earlier we were on this same corner in the early morning hours to help participate in the Mayor’s Day of Service. – p] Read more

cookie puss

We had our first table read for season two yesterday.

That’s a very exciting thing, being on a show that comes back for another year. But this second year is still the first year, and I kind of forgot how we went straight from season one to the strike to season one point five, to this second season without a break.

That is, until Melissa McCarthy looked me over and said, “You guys… you didn’t get a break, did you? Not even like, a day.”

The actors were so tan. All of them, all healthy and glowing and pretty, happy to have had time off where they weren’t unemployed; they were on hiatus. It’s the same empty schedule, but a hiatus is allowed to be called a vacation. Read more

i am so awesome.

Over the weekend I went to a party at a restaurant/nightclub/bar type thing. It had a wall of black mirrors when you walked in, which made the room — and the crowd — look twice its actual size.

But I didn’t know that.

So when I walked inside to the bar to get a drink, I headed towards what looked like the bar off to the right in front of me. And just before I slammed face-first into the mirror, I actually thought to myself: “Oh, hell no. I know this bitch is not gonna just turn the corner and walk right into me pretending she doesn’t see me! Are you kidding me? She–

BAM.

You guys, the mirrors were really dark. “You need to put some fingerprints on that wall,” I told the waitstaff, who watched the whole thing unfold. “Or a webcam.”

“That happens every night,” one said. “Often to people who work here. Have a drink.”

Later that night, when I was walking through the crowd looking for someone, I realized there was an entire section of the bar I hadn’t even explored… until I tried to dodge the woman rudely headed towards me, and walked face-first into that same mirror… and that same woman.

I am gifted!

Name Dropping… and Shattering.

A criticism an old boyfriend used to give me (I’ll leave out his name so that it doesn’t look like I’m complaining) is that I go too far back in time to start my stories.

“I ask you when did you return the video,” he’d say, “and you start with, ‘Back when I was six, I had these shoes, and…'”

But I still believe that sometimes you have to go a little farther back than you expected, so that the retelling has a similar emotional experience for you as it had for me when it happened.

So, back when I was six, I had these shoes, and…

Okay, not that far back. But it does start with me taking a bath.

I was in the bath a couple of weeks ago, and for some reason I started thinking of my TWoP bio page, and how I think I was supposed to update it about a year ago. (What? Don’t you get into the bath and think about all the things you were supposed to be doing instead of keeping your head underwater to drown out the reality of life? Just me? Oh.) Anyway, I was thinking about my TWoP bio page, because I’m weird. I was thinking, for some reason, about my list of likes and dislikes. Read more