a conversation with chito.

[scripty]
PAMIE
Hello?

CHITO
Aw, shit, Pam. How’s it goin’, girl?

PAMIE
Good. What’s up?

CHITO
I am watching… have you seen R. Kelly’s “Trapped in the Closet?”

PAMIE
No.

CHITO
Are you watching VH-1 right now?

PAMIE
No, not presently.

CHITO
I am. You have to turn it on.

PAMIE
Let me tell you something about time zones.

CHITO
Okay, well, whatever is right now central time, you need to be watching your time, because this shit is awesome. Five part R. Kelly — all five videos for “Trapped in the Closet.”

PAMIE
Five?

CHITO
Five. You think it’ll just be one, and then… there are four more. It’s great!

PAMIE
I…

CHITO
And this is like, he’s serious. He really thinks this is music. He says “door” just like in “I Believe I Can Fly.”

PAMIE
I don’t know what that means.

CHITO
R. Kelly is having a fight with some woman right now.

PAMIE
I thought he was trapped in a closet. Is it like “Blue Velvet?”

CHITO
Okay. Say you wake up in the morning, and you have to go to the store. That’s an R. Kelly song. Right there. “I woke up, I put on some socks, and got into my car because I had to go to the SAAAAAafewaaaay!”

PAMIE
Uh-huh.

CHITO
“I had to buy some asparrrrrraguuuuus! It was on saaaaaaAAAaaale!”

PAMIE
I get it.

CHITO
Oh, he’s having an argument with a lady. Oh, this is the funniest shit. You have to watch this. Turn it on right now.

PAMIE
It’s not on right now.

CHITO
I wish it was! Oh! I don’t want to ruin this for you. You have to just watch it.

PAMIE
Okay, TiVo says it’s on at 12:30. It just says “Special.”

CHITO
God, it is really special. And listen, when you watch it? Don’t delete it. Because you’re going to want to watch this like, many times to get its full impact. Oh! R. Kelly just got a ticket.

PAMIE
“I got a speeeeding ticket. And now I’ll have to go to defeeeensive driiiiving! Maybe at Comedy Schooool!”

CHITO
You got it, girl. You can now write the collective works of R. Kelly.

PAMIE
Never had one lesson!

CHITO
“My last speeding ticket still hasn’t been resolved, so now my ride might be taken under posEEEESsssioon!”

PAMIE
“And my last ticket was a load of crap because it said I did a rolling stop when really I was just LAAAATE for a MEEEEEting!”

CHITO
I’ve already successfully converted several daily events until successful versions of this song. “Today I woke up my daughters, and then I toooook a shiiiiit! Had to wiiiipe my assssss!”

PAMIE
This is how R. Kelly got in trouble in the first place.

CHITO
Pam! Turn this on!

PAMIE
I’ve set the TiVo! And now TiVo is going to think I like R. Kelly. And it will one day be used in a court of law as evidence against me.

CHITO
I’m going to have to stay up so late tonight to watch this shit, and I do not care. Oh, God, R. Kelly. Thank you for this masterpiece. I have a court case in the morning, and I have to represent this drive-by, and I do not care. Oh, this is amazing. I don’t want to spoil it for you. How late do you stay up?

PAMIE
Pretty late.

CHITO
Oh, he just — I… oh, man. Oh, man! R. Kelly. He really thinks this is good! This is incredible. I had to make sure you saw this.

PAMIE
I appreciate you thinking of me.

CHITO
You know I had to call you.

PAMIE
Well, thank you. Because I didn’t have a blog entry for today. And thanks for giving me something to look forward to tonight.

CHITO
Oh, I have to hang up. I… R. Kelly, man. This is… Bye.

[PAMIE hangs up. Three minutes later, a text message from Chito arrives: OMG IT IS UNRELENTING.]
[/scripty]