Dear Dad,

I can’t believe it’s been five years and three days since you died. Five years. So much has happened that you’ve missed, much of it things you told me you knew you were going to miss. You were like an oracle in that hospital bed, pointing at the television, telling me my name was going to be on that screen with “written by” in front of it, and that you wished you were going to be there to hold a book with my name on the cover. It makes me wish you’d told more about the future lives of all of us instead of that tangent about the girl you took to prom, the one with the bacne.

It’s always painful when the big moments happen and you aren’t here. But those, in some ways, are much easier to get through. Mom, Bosie and I will call each other, or the moment is big enough that there’s a friend around or many friends around, or it’s happy enough that the joy quickly fills up the ache. It’s the little moments that get to me. It’s hard to get through the moments when you are the only person who would have been able to understand. Read more

sisters.

i lost about fifty pictures i took on this trip (which seems to happen whenever I take pictures of my relatives), so of course this is one of the few that remained.

but, you know, it’s probably the most appropriate.

Q: Why do I hear “Smack That” blasting from the street outside the house?
A: Because my sister’s pulling into the driveway.

Eminem: The Marshall Mathers LP

Song: “Kim

I should put quotations around the word “Song” as well.

This song was playing on the iPod the other day when stee said, “I’m really glad those two decided to get married again. A love story for the ages.” And then the screaming got too loud and I had to change the song.

But… this does segue into a great story about my sister.

Read more

Come On, Jet Blue.

This is ridiculous.

I’m now sitting in the JFK airport, with free wireless, having a glass of wine and sushi as I wait for my flight to start boarding.

You must know:

1. I normally would never do this.
2. But this is my vacation, and I told myself I’d do things I normally wouldn’t do.
3. It still feels way too decadent, but I’m going to let myself enjoy it because
4. Yesterday was quite emotional.

I got to see lots of family and friends. We tried to see more, but families are complicated, and some people shy away from contact, and consequently we were sometimes turned away, or left knocking at the door, or sometimes we asked not to come anywhere near the door. Read more

Meet New York Pam.

Leaving Los Angeles, I got a few tips on surviving New York during the holidays. I was told:

1. I’d need heavy clothes. An enormous coat I didn’t own. Lots and lots of layers and sweaters and basically I’d need to go buy a new wardrobe and a huge suitcase to put it all in.
2. I shouldn’t wear earrings because it would be so cold that the bars in my earlobes would freeze and hurt.
3. I was going to need to wear long underwear, and I needed boots that could survive getting soaked and I’d need to buy those boots and gloves and sweaters and did anyone mention the huge coat?
4. There was going to be a subway strike, and I’d be stranded and alone. Read more

something i will never forget

I spent almost twenty-four hours with my sister this weekend. We never do this. We’ve never done anything like this. My sister has lived up north for almost a year, a two hour train ride to Grand Central. She’s never been to New York before. This time I was making sure she got to see a little of the city. As I was shuttling from JFK to Manhattan, she was on the train. We were headed towards each other, meeting far from both of our homes. She had no idea where she was going, and neither did I, quite honestly. In fact it was Dan who had to tell Bosie how to get there, which train to take and when. I’m getting better, but there are still times when this place is a mystery to me. Read more

an actual holiday weekend

This is the closest I’ve come to work in five days. The last time I took a break from work for more than part of a day… I think was my honeymoon. My honeymoon was also the last time I read a whole book in a day. Which since yesterday? I did. I missed the ocean, though. I showed Mom and Bosie pictures from the honeymoon and started getting nostalgic. Then yesterday morning when I opened up the bottle of sunscreen (because it was very sunny and windy out and I was going to be running for more than an hour), the smell of Maui hit me with the warm breeze and the SPF and a little, sad tear fell from my eye. I got an email from Faye — who got married pretty close to when we did and we all ended up coincidentally at the same hotel in Maui — asking if we were all accidentally meeting up again this year, because it sounds like such a lovely-rich-people-thing to do, accidentally vacation together every year. And perhaps we’ll call it “on holiday.” Read more