scene from a bachelorette party

[scripty]
ALEX
So, um, pamie. How are you holding up? …You know, with the whole Johnny Depp thing.

PAMIE
What? WHAT?! WHAT HAPPENED?

ALEX
Oh. I thought you would have known. His kid is sick.

PAMIE
Really? Which one?

ALEX
I… well, I didn’t know he had more than one.

PAMIE
HE HAS TWO.

ALEX
Okay. The one with the weird name.

PAMIE
Lily Rose? What’s wrong?

ALEX
I guess she got a cut? And it got infected?

PAMIE
Is it staph or sepsis?

ALEX
Um…

PAMIE
STAPH OR SEPSIS?

ALEX
Jesus! I don’t know. Ask Katey. She probably knows.
[/scripty]

[Katey is the only person I’ve ever known whose dedication to All Things Depp rivals mine.]

[scripty]
PAMIE
Katey! Katey! How’s Lily Rose?

KATEY
She’s fine. She’s okay.

PAMIE
Good. Hey, do you know about the movie that’s so good that I haven’t been able to sleep since I found out about it?

KATEY
I can’t wait to find out.

PAMIE
It doesn’t exist yet, but when I tell you about it, you’re never going to sleep again.

KATEY
Tell me.

PAMIE
Johnny Depp and Angelina Jolie are doing Wuthering Heights.

[A moment of silence as four women lose their breath.]

KATEY
That’s…

PAMIE
I know. I know!

KATEY
Oh. Oh, my God.

LIZ
I just… God, I want to fuck that movie so hard.

PAMIE
I know! I want that movie inside of me.

KATEY
I so need that movie in me.

PAMIE
Right now. In me. Right here. I want that movie on my face. I want that movie screaming my name.

LIZ
Oh, my God. That is a seriously hot movie.

PAMIE
Even if it sucks, it’s going to be SO AWESOME.

LIZ
I want to bend that movie over and just… oh, man!

KATEY
Why isn’t everybody talking about this all the time?

JESSICA
You know what would make that movie better? If they switched the roles. If Angelina Jolie played Heathcliff–

PAMIE
Oh, Jessica. Oh, my God. That’s the best idea of all time!

JESSICA
Because she’s so masculine and hot, and Johnny would be so feminine as Cathy! So hot!

PAMIE
I can’t handle how hot this is! Call them! Call them now and make it happen! It’s the best idea ever!

JESSICA
Post it on pamie.com! Get it out there in the universe!

LIZ
Use the power of The Secret! Make it happen!

PAMIE
Okay!
[/scripty]

well, it’s another entry about my boobs.

Just got back from seeing Inside Man, or The Inside Man, or whatever it is. It doesn’t matter. I wanted to see it because Clive Owen is amazing, and if the entire movie was him doing that first monologue straight to the camera I would have been much more entertained.

Consequently, about half an hour into the movie I started thinking about writing this entry.

There’s a scene that’s in the trailer, so I’m not spoiling anything, where the bad guys make everybody in the bank strip to their underwear. This taps into something I’ve never talked about here, mostly because it hasn’t come up. I recently confessed my this confession to a co-worker, and while he did give me the, “Every day I learn something weirder about you” look, he didn’t suggest I keep this neurotic fun fact to myself, so I’ll blame all of this on him.

The scene confirmed my fear, and let me know that it was a perfectly normal, rational thought to have each morning.

When I get dressed, I always think, “Is this what I want to be seen in when the bad guys bust into the building and force us to strip down to our underwear?” Continue reading

Love is Strange

The best thing I overheard the other night:

“But that’s literally what he said. The whole letter, right there. That’s literally what he said. I mean, not word-for-word, but pretty much.”

It is the most overused word of the decade. “Literally.” Everybody’s literally doing figurative things.

I am literally squirming in my seat over my plumbing problems. Our downstairs bathroom has sprung a leak again, due to some clog in the pipes underneath the house. Something to do with roots and pipes and snakes. It’s one of those things that my brain just “Blah, blah, blah Ginger”‘s because I can’t bear to know all that much about it. I just want it to work. I just want to be able to take a shower without ruining my office rug. But right now I can’t. And I won’t be able to until tomorrow.

The last time this happened we couldn’t use the bathroom at all. My pride and ego were swelled too much to drive somewhere to pee, and I ended up getting sick and then getting an infection. So, pee freely, my sisters. And I’m only talking to the women right now, since you men get to just piss all over anything and everything and it’s socially acceptable.

I mean, you get to literally piss all over everything.

Continue reading