The Debate
(not for the squeamish, or easily offended)
24 October 2000
Listen. Before I start, if disgusting talk about sex and animals
and such make you feel nasty, or make you want to send hate
mail, then don't bother reading this.
Okay. First of all, I think you should be introduced to this
the same way I did. I was in LA, you know, working, looking
for an apartment, doing important things that advanced the next
years of our lives.
Eric was in a car on his way to the Louisana riverboats to
do some gambling. Yeah, I know. I'm a great girlfriend.
So, I just spent the day driving around, getting hostile,
snipping occasionally when the amount of Ultimate Coffee Bean
was running low, and was wondering when Eric was going to check
on my apartment hunt. Day Two was much harder than Day One,
and my spirits were rather low. We took a break when Eric called.
The first thing he says is this:
"Baby. Would you rather let a donkey fuck you or suck its
dick?"
I think I didn't say anything for a little while. Images were
floating around, my eyes blinked a bit involuntarily, more like
I had something in my eye. I glanced over at stee, wondering
how I was going to answer this question without making him wonder
what kind of phone call I was taking on his couch. Then I realized
there was no way around it, and I was going to have to answer.
"I'd... let it fuck me."
"Coo."
Coo. That's all the response I got, people. "Coo."
"I'm gonna go get you another beer," was all stee said as
he left the room.
What happened, apparently, was this. Boy A, Boy B and Girl
C are in the car driving to Louisiana. Because it's a car trip,
Boy A and Boy B apparently begin discussing trips to Mexico,
and whether or not anyone has seen a Donkey Show. For the uninformed
(don't worry, I was as well), there's apparently a city famous
for these women that will perform sexual acts with donkeys for
money. The question then was-- if you were a girl in Mexico,
which act would you rather do?
I think the answer here depends on what sex you are. See,
the answer most girls say is that they'd let the donkey do the
deed to them, since they'd have the entire thing behind them,
away from them, and not in their mouths all up in their faces.
Boy A seems to think that the sex act would be too painful.
This is because the boys are assuming they'll have to have anal
sex with the donkey, since they don't have any girl parts.
This has brought up the sentence, "Yes, but you have to imagine
your ass is a pussy," which I just love. "Your ass is a pussy"
is the name of my seventeenth album.
Instead of dragging out who said what, I'm just going to say
that this has turned into a major argument, and the facts of
what actually was discussed in that car on that afternoon are
now being debated feverishly. Some say that you've always had
to imagine your ass was a pussy. Some are now claiming that
the pussy-ass section of the question is more like Question
1A.
But some of my favorite statements said in the heat of the
moment lately have been:
"Look, I'm just sayin'. If I was a hooker in Mexico and my
ass was a pussy, there'd be no question."
"Big, hairy, smelly donkey parts in your mouth is no way to
live."
"No, this is completely about the ass because that's what
I have."
"Wait, do we then reverse it? Because I don't want no donkey
going down on me. He bites and shit."
"I can't believe you'd suck it."
"Can we all just agree that your ass is a pussy and then we
answer the question?"
"I'm going on the general assumption that women are intelligent
creatures. Therefore I'd assume that they'd never want any donkey
genetic code to get mixed with their own so they don't make
any ass creatures."
"Planet of the Apes has absolutely nothing to do with
this discussion!"
"There used to be twelve people at this table. You're making
people leave with your cock talk."
"I got two suckers and a fucker over here."
"When he called you, did he ask you if your ass was a pussy,
or did he just say you'd have to have sex with it and you assumed
it was about your butt?"
"First of all, I asked him, 'Am I on Candid Camera?'"
"Oh, now you've ruined it. You can't tell her the question
that way! That makes her want to fuck it."
"Obviously, you've never given oral sex." "What makes you
think I haven't?" "Well, you weren't good at it, then."
"Look, I'm telling you, there's no way you want that big ass
donkey standing over you, all ready to kick the shit out of
you if he's not happy."
"Oh, is he going to push my head down and shit with his big
honkin' hooves? Because that could hurt."
"You'll never be able to put anything in your mouth ever again.
You'll never be able to close your eyes, drink beer or go to
the zoo."
"E-I-E-I-Oh my God!"
"Wait, have I done this before, or is this like, my first time
with a donkey?"
"How much money?"
"Please stop screaming in my ear!" "Oh, but you don't mind
a little donkey screaming in your ear?"
"You are no longer my friend."
"Wait, am I me, or am I a hooker in Mexico?"
"So, I assume y'all didn't win any money in Louisiana."
"Oh, you weren't there." "I was too!" "Yeah,
but you're not a man."
"No! This is where you're ruining everything and it's all
going wrong."
"Well, I would be able to control how long it lasts that
way."
"No, there's no hair. Haven't you ever seen a donkey's
penis?" "NO! But why have you?"
"Can't I just let it play with my titties?"
"That's bullshit. I tried all through high school to let
one of you women to let me have sex with you and it was always, 'No! No!' but you'll just let some
donkey do it. That's amazing. I'm telling you, you'd suck it first. I could get any
of you people sitting at the table to give me a blow job tonight, but I'm pretty sure not one of you would sleep with me." "...no, that's probably true." "I KNOW!"
This is runing friendships, people. The suckers and the fuckers
cannot see eye to eye. People are disgusted just looking at each other. And unfortunately,
we now can't look at each other without seeing horny donkeys on each other's faces.
I know. It ain't right.
Welcome to my world.
