Beam Me UP

Why didn't anyone tell me that Cadet Third Class Wesley Crusher had a blog??? So do I! Fate? Destiny? Super-squeeeeeeeeee!

I wonder if he likes boys.

But to less dishy matters: Has anyone returned my possessions? NO. Last night I made the stupid mistake of telling Catherine about the burglary of my things, and she laughed and told me she was glad and maybe now without Mannequin I'll finally stop making clothes and wake up that I'm a "nothing" and a "big fat honkin' zero." It was my fault for even telling bitchface in the first place, but it still made me even madder. But I after I got out my grandpa's old fishing rod and practiced casting into the well -- Catherine has learned to hide under her cot, but it still makes me giggle -- I felt better. But what really brought me down off "the ledge" was making the most yummy summer sqaush soup. After eating my soup and watching my fav celebrity news show, The Insider (where is Pat O'Brien? I miss him.), I took out my Eleanor Lurman spinal comb and gave Precious a bee-yootiful new hair doo! Would you like to see it? Too bad, because here it comes! Hee.



Doesn't she look fabulous? Please tell her in the comments -- she lurves reading them too!


And please tell me if you can tell I've been working out.

CACD! (That means "Create a cool day!")

So Disappointed In Humanity

Alright, jokers. Who stole Mannequin and GumbBoy?



You see?! All that's left is the wood frame I kept him on. And in front, right by the gate? GumbBoy is gone, too. It's really not funny. In fact, it's so not funny that I'm going to KILL CATHERINE if I don't get my stuff back. See. You want to show me the ugliness of the world? I'll show it right back. I'll show it right back all over Catherine's f***ing face!!!

Gah. Sorry, but I'm just so heartbroken about this. I had a great weekend working on my fingernail hoodie and then celebrating my sixth favorite holiday, Easter. I even poked Catherine unconscious with a stick and hid Easter eggs in the well for her to find when she woke up. She really enjoyed the hunt, even though she only found three before she got cranky and gave up. I didn't even give it the hose when it started crying, that's how in the spirit I was. Then last night I met a new friend online adn we chatted for HOURS and he seems really nice and we might even meet! I woke up feeling so great and happy and hopeful... and then when I went out to get the paper (I'm not going to tell you which paper it is, FBI, so don't even ask!) I immediately noticed that my gate was open and Mannequin and GumbBoy were gone!

So look. If you return MY PROPERTY to me, I won't ask any questions. I won't even wait up tonight, hiding in teh bushes with my DEATHSTICK to catch the perpetrators. I'll go to sleep and in the morning everything will be returned and Catherine will live (for now) and I won't have to go on thinking this world is a terrible place full of mean, mean people who just want to take and take and take and contribute NOTHING to make this world a better place. People who want to PUNISH and SHAME ME for trying to share a little of MY LIFE which is valid and GOOD!

A**holes.

Food For Thought

I'm on my way to work, so I don't have lots of time, but I just read how someone suggested in my comments that the relationship between Catherine and me isn't working out. I asked Catherine what she thought about that, but she just made a very rude gesture and went back to sleep on the wellfloor. I hate to say it, but think maybe it's true. Sometimes, when we've been fighting or it refuses to put things in the basket (breakfast dishes, lotion, books I get for her from the library, you name it), I think back on that night when she agreed to help me get that couch into my van (such a great ruse!) and I secretly wish she'd refused. Sure, I'd been stalking her for months and so I'd probably have had to kill her on the spot, but at least then my well would be open for others to find their way into it. Maybe my emotional "well" has been taken up by one for so long that it's missed out on so many more that could've made my well even brighter. Does that make sense?

Dear commenter. I think what you're saying is: It's like when Marissa had to let Ryan go (I'm talking about The O.C. here, natch) so she could let others (that rocker girl!) into her emotional well. The thing is, if Marissa had never let Ryan go, maybe she never would have found her way back to him? Maybe if I let Catherine go, she'll come back to me???? Intense.

Wow. Now I have so much to think about this weekend. I'm expecting a new shipment of Peruvian Poo Moths, so my dance card is getting full! Oops, my bus is coming so I have to "motor." Have you ever had Cream of Wheat? It's sooooo good.

Create a cool day!

Ring Ring Ring

I saw the funniest movie the other day. It's called The Ring and I put it in my Netflix queue because the girls at work were talking about it one day in the lunchroom. They shut up when I came in to fix my Cup O' Noodles, but I heard enough to make me want to watch it. I lurve fiddling with my Netflix queue! I put The Ring in front of the Freaks and Geeks complete series (sooooooo good, soooooo true) and after the fantastic DB Sweeney ice skating film The Cutting Edge.

Well, The Ring is billed as a horror film, and I can understand why people find it scary, but to me it was hilarious. What I didn't know until the main character herself found out, is that the movie is about a girl who lives in a well! OMG! I KNOW!!! But the great part is that she finds a way to come back to life through a scary (it really is creepy) video about flies and hairbrushing and horses and cliff-diving. Throughout the movie I kept laughing and laughing and Catherine finally asked what movie was I watching and could she watch too if it was so "dag-gone funny." (You can take the girl out of the South...) So I dangled the small TV (Precious's TV) into the well so it could watch. It didn't think the movie was funny at all. It cried and cried and really ruined the ending of the movie for me by cheering for Samara, the girl in the well, when she popped out of the TV and killed the boyfriend. "Get her!!!" it yelled until I unplugged the TV and played Tom Petty at volume 10 in lieu of the hose (she hates Tom Petty for some reason. Said it corresponds with a "bad memory.")

But then after the movie was finished and Full Moon Fever was blasting and Precious was yapping and I had to do the tuck and dance in front of the mirror to calm myself down, I started to feel bad, which happens a lot when Catherine gets sad. It's why I keep referring to her as "Her" instead of "it," as someone pointed out in my commments. (KEep commenting! I lurve it!!! You guys are so funny. Would you fuck me? I would.) I have to admit, Catherine's long-range attempt to humanize herself in my eyes has been somewhat of a success. So she was crying and trying to crab-walk up the well like Samara, but she kept falling back down, and the sucker I am I walked to the corner store and bought her a toy and a snack. When I presented Catherine with the box of Green Hostess Snoballs and the Pepsi she stopped crying and actually thanked me. But then when I gave her the toy -- a fake police gun and badge -- she started crying again. Girls are nuts.

Ooh, after watching a craft show on HGTV I decided to undertake a new project. It's a fingernail hoodie! Wish me luck.

Create a cool day!

Mi Casa y Soo Casa

So, I know I'm taking a risk here, both emotionally and in terms of the FBI being able to track me down, but I'm really so proud of my house that I want to share it with you, my deer readers:



Isn't it darling? I took the photo from inside the bus as it picked me up on my way to work. I screamed for the driver to stop the bus and then took the picture with my brand new CAMERAPHGONE! It's sooooooo awesome. It's a Nokia, which I heard is made by the Finnish. I once captured a Finnish girl named Avka, but she wouldn't stop crying so I poked her unalive with a stick. But anyway. The bus driver was pretty freaked out but I got my photo so I don't care. I had to look up on the internet how to use this thing called Bluetooth to send my cameraphone photo through the air into my computer. I tried to explain the whole process to Catherine as I did it, but she claimed she wasn't interested and tried to convince me that it was her birthday. I asked her how old she was and she told me "Seven," and then said she missed her mommy. She's so funny sometimes. :)

Anyway, my house! What do you think??? (You can leave a COMMENT if you want. But please don't be meaen, or I'll track you down and you'll get the hose again! Just kidding. Or not!!!!!!!!!!!)

I'm not going to tell you how I bought the house or how long ago, but escrow and real estate stuff is sooooooooo hard and boring. I'm also not going to worry that you can tell it's raining in my HOMETOWN because it rains LOTS OF PLACE, Mr. Smartypants, and also, I NEVER SAID WHAT DAY I TOOK THE PHOTO. So put away your weather.com page, FBI. You can't find me!

Isn't it cute! Here are my favorite parts of the outside, not in order, because I don't want to play favorites:

1) My gate. I had a Bart Simpson Halloween decoration strung to it until someone wrote "Freak" on it recently and I had to take it down. I don't think Bart Simpson is a freak. He's just a little cartoon boy. But I like my gate because it keeps Precious from running away and also it designates "This is my space." I like those clear definitions in my life. I don't get them enough. The world is SOOOO complicated. "Are you my boyfriend?" "Is my job secure?" "Am I ever going to let Catherine out of the well." My gate is solid and doesn't ask hard questions. Does that make sense?

2) My plant! I named my plant "GumbBoy" after my boyfriend. But unlike the real GumbBoy, he doesn't scream when I tell him what I'm wearing.

3) My tulips! (I just went outside to get inspiration to write about them, and saw that they are dead. I'm saddened beyond words...)

4) My little white chair. I like to sit on the chair while I'm thinking, enjoying a nice glass of Merlot. I don't care what that fat ugly man said in "Sideways". I love Merlot!

5) My American flag. God Bless our Troops.

6) And finally, even though I said I wasn't going to rank them, this is my favoritest thing of the whole front of my house. MY MANNEQUIN! Can you see him? He's just to your left of the door. See! Now the coolest thing about my mannequin is that he just appeared one day? I know. It sounds crazy. (And I know crazy! :p) But one day I came from the shoe store to find him laying in my front yard all battered and bruised and unwanted. I gave him to Catherine as a friend, but Catherine kept calling him "Daddy" and it was really starting to freak me out, so I decided to use him as a welcoming vision for any friends who might come over, and also as a model to display my designs! RIGHT NOw (oops, I hit the Caps Lock by mistkae) Mannequin is wearing a 40's style swim cap with a blue demin eveningwear bikini with matching sarong to cover those problem areas. Do you like it? You can use the comments to let me know. I'm becoming a totall whore for feedback.

Anyway, that's my house! I hope you like it. And I hope you get inspiration to make wherever you life look nice and reflect who you are. (I wish Catherine would take some pride in her well.)

Okay, time to buy some new tulips! (See, I'm feeling less sad already.)

Create a cool day!

Recipe For a Heartbreak

Ooh, I'm tired today. I have a lot I should be doing, so I thought I'd come over here and write on my Blog because it's my new favorite thing in the world, what with all the sadness going on in everything that's not my little corner of the internet. ;-)

Let's see... I tried the pumpkin muffin recipe someone was kind enough to leave in my comments (Thanks for commenting! SWAK!!!). They were really good. They were so good, in fact, that I wanted to share them with someone. That's when i got a little sad about not having someone special in my life. I mean, I've got Catherine, sure, but she's more special ed than special-special, and whenever I try to really share my feelings with her, she always finds a way to turn it back to being all about her. "I'M trapped in a well. I want someone to save ME. I'm SCARED." Shit like that. She's so selfish. I literally listen to her problems all day long. When does it get to be my turn to feel?

That's another reason I love this blog, although, I must confess I'm approaching this new incarnation with a bit of hesitancy. When I was updating my journal all the time, I kind of started a bit of a relationship. Okay, I fell in love. Hard. He was young and I was younger (emotionally) and in the end it just wasn't meant to be because I couldn't technically leave the house and once he found out I may or may not have allegedly had something to do with numerous kidnappings and/or murders, he freaked out.

And who wouldn't get freaked out, when love is that strong? I should post some of our IM's here some day, I swear. If they weren't so important to me (I'm sorry, but sometimes the comments threads can get really mean and personal, and I couldn't handle it if someone made fun of the way I love), I'd do it. When GumbBoy (that's what I call him) and I would chat at three in the morning about our favorite concerts we've been to, and we found out we were both almost at the same Sting concert in different cities, but like, one day after the next on Sting's tour schedule? That's how we knew it was fate. We were in love and I loved him and he loved me and when I sent flowers to his work he said it was the sweetest thing anybody had ever done for him. Then WHY has he since MOVED and quit his JOB and told people to tell me he's TERRIFIED of my voice?

I just push people away, I guess. I love too much, too hard, too good. I make people realize their own insecurities, and when that happens, they just... can't deal with it anymore. I get it. Lord knows I do it with Catherine. I've even done it with Precious. Sometimes when she looks at me with those eyes, the ones that say, "You feed me and you take care of me and without you I'd die," I just... sometimes I have to get the hose again, you know?

Sigh.

Anyway, the pumpkin muffins were delicious, but they reminded me of how GumbBoy crumbled my heart like so much cake mix, and I found myself weeping. I tried to document it in my (PRIVATE! (FRIENDS-ONLY)) grief blog, but there's one person on there who I haven't taken off my friends list and he loves to make fun of me whenever I get real. So I wrote on my mirror in lipstick "EVERYBODY HATES YOU." And then I held Precious up to the mirror to make her read it but dammit if she can't read. so I took the muffins to my next door neighbor, Marcia (not my other neighbor, Loudy McNoisy), and asked if she'd like to share some chai and a little bit of a game I like to call "Your Memory, Mine."

Marcia's funny. She's always trembling when we sit together, like she's doing a Precious impression. And she keeps one hand on her cell phone. I'm always like, "Co-dependent much, Marica?" And then I laugh, and a few seconds later she gets it, and she laughs even harder like she's trying to show me how much she gets it even though I think maybe she didn't get it at all. She also eats so quickly. In like, thirty seconds the muffin is gone and then I feel like she's just watching me eat and talk for two hours. Oh, well. This is the dance we do to be good neighbors, I guess.

I'm almost finished with the hair poncho I was knitting. Did i talk about this already? Gosh, I'm in a meloncholy mood. Maybe there's something good on television to keep my mind off GumbBoy. I WON'T call him again tonight. It twists my stomach in knots to hear him cry like he does.

Dammit. Catherine just knocked something over in the well trying to climb out. Must be six 'o clock!

Laters.

Girls Girls Girls

Wow. How great is The L Word? Seriously. Showtime should be proud of itself.

Even Catherine had to admit it sounded interesting. (She "had" to because I dropped syrup down onto her until she admitted it.)

I hate Sunday nights because in a few short hours the work week starts all over again. The girls down at the office make it tolerable, but boy, I'm pretty cranky come Monday afternoon. Just don't ask me to fax anything after five... or I might poke your eyes out with a letter opener. ;P

I don't really have much to say. The L Word is over and I can't afford TiVo (between Catherine and Precious's upkeep, I feel like I have two children. Naughty children, but they do fill my life) so there's nothing good to watch. Catherine is asleep and she's scream-snoring which I don't want to interrupt. Maybe I'll go for a walk. There's nothing like a brisk walk before bedtime.

I don't know how to end this. I wish I had a signature sign-off other than Create A Cool Day?

Or do y'all like that? "Create A Cool Day!"

Email me!

You Are Ichabod Crane From "Sleepy Hollow." You're a deep thinker - most times logically. You're a bit of a neat freak and a wuss (hey, you do faint a lot!) but you do have the ability to overcome your fears and come out stronger in the end. And you never lose your head over things. (Gufaw gufaw!)

Take The Johnny Depp Quiz!

I'd Put Sarah In My Well Any Day

I'm really stoked that I got to write a recap for TVoP. They might hate everybody and are mean little shitheads, but I love the recaps for 24 (Damn my nail-biting New Year's Resolution!), and I think some of them are funny. Some of them. Others I'm like, "Go outside, loser. Then tell me what it's like out there. I miss vacations!" LOL.

Anyhoo, that's what I did last week with my spare time. Oh, and I've been working on a hair poncho. It's almost finished. I'm really happy with it and I'll put up pictures as soon as someone buys me a digital camera off my wishlist.

Does anyone have a good recipe for pumpkin muffins? I've just got a craving and the last time I made them they came out tasting like scones.

The other day I was walking down the street and someone shouted, "Freak!" and I was like, "That's not very nice." I didn't say that, but I really thought it. I was going to say something, but by the time I thought of what I should say, the light had turned green and the guy was gone. So I picked up my flesh bag, threw back my shoulders and headed home with my head held high. Then I let a rat go in the well to watch Catherine scream. Dammit, that girl is funny. I'm gonna miss her one day when I finally get bored enough to kill her. I wonder if I'll still be blogging then. (*fingers crossed!*)

Secret: I wrote my recap naked. See if you can tell.

My tulips are finally starting to bloom in the front yard. I'm really proud of them. I was going to cut some to put on the table with dinner last night but then I thought, "I really kill enough for three people. Shouldn't I let one thing live?" I think a lot of deep thoughts. I'm glad I have this space for them as proof. I'm really happy you're out there, reading me, validating my life. What would I do with all these thoughts without blogs? What did people do before the internet when they thought of something random and had nobody to talk to? No wonder my dad used to get drunk and call us mistakes. He must have been so bored.

Dustin Hoffman Beat Me To It

I don't know. Call me crazy but I think he looks hot.

Segway revs new models

I have a morning ritual before I go to work: I exfoliate, feed Precious, check on my newly cacooned Screeching Thai Sand Moths, hose down the well, make a mug of Nescafe, and then I sit down to read my various bookmarked online sites. I like to talk to Catherine and fill her in on various news tidbits about Lindsay Lohan or whatnot.

Well, this morning I jokingly told her that I was thinking of buying her one of the new Segways so she could ride around the well in a circle. But then she told me she didn't know what a Segway was and I realized she's been down in the well so long she's missed a lot of stuff that's been going on in the world. That made me oddly sad, so I threw darts at her until it was time for me to go catch my bus.

He's Gonna Loser Liver

Did you guys read CNN today? [link]

"What's true about serial killers is that they're basically losers. In their own mind, they have never distinguished themselves in the way they'd like to."

Uh, you're basically ShUt Up!

"Almost all of them have a very large need for control or power," said Eric Hickey, a criminal psychologist at California State University-Fresno who wrote the book "Serial Murderers and Their Victims."

"It makes them feel like they're the big man in the community."

Many serial killers share other similarities: dysfunctional backgrounds, feelings of abandonment and rejection, and a desire for recognition, experts said.

Hey, tha'ts not why I kill. That's why I blog. Get it right, Mr. Criminologist McPsychologiststein.

[thanks to me for the link]