Recipe For a Heartbreak

Ooh, I'm tired today. I have a lot I should be doing, so I thought I'd come over here and write on my Blog because it's my new favorite thing in the world, what with all the sadness going on in everything that's not my little corner of the internet. ;-)

Let's see... I tried the pumpkin muffin recipe someone was kind enough to leave in my comments (Thanks for commenting! SWAK!!!). They were really good. They were so good, in fact, that I wanted to share them with someone. That's when i got a little sad about not having someone special in my life. I mean, I've got Catherine, sure, but she's more special ed than special-special, and whenever I try to really share my feelings with her, she always finds a way to turn it back to being all about her. "I'M trapped in a well. I want someone to save ME. I'm SCARED." Shit like that. She's so selfish. I literally listen to her problems all day long. When does it get to be my turn to feel?

That's another reason I love this blog, although, I must confess I'm approaching this new incarnation with a bit of hesitancy. When I was updating my journal all the time, I kind of started a bit of a relationship. Okay, I fell in love. Hard. He was young and I was younger (emotionally) and in the end it just wasn't meant to be because I couldn't technically leave the house and once he found out I may or may not have allegedly had something to do with numerous kidnappings and/or murders, he freaked out.

And who wouldn't get freaked out, when love is that strong? I should post some of our IM's here some day, I swear. If they weren't so important to me (I'm sorry, but sometimes the comments threads can get really mean and personal, and I couldn't handle it if someone made fun of the way I love), I'd do it. When GumbBoy (that's what I call him) and I would chat at three in the morning about our favorite concerts we've been to, and we found out we were both almost at the same Sting concert in different cities, but like, one day after the next on Sting's tour schedule? That's how we knew it was fate. We were in love and I loved him and he loved me and when I sent flowers to his work he said it was the sweetest thing anybody had ever done for him. Then WHY has he since MOVED and quit his JOB and told people to tell me he's TERRIFIED of my voice?

I just push people away, I guess. I love too much, too hard, too good. I make people realize their own insecurities, and when that happens, they just... can't deal with it anymore. I get it. Lord knows I do it with Catherine. I've even done it with Precious. Sometimes when she looks at me with those eyes, the ones that say, "You feed me and you take care of me and without you I'd die," I just... sometimes I have to get the hose again, you know?

Sigh.

Anyway, the pumpkin muffins were delicious, but they reminded me of how GumbBoy crumbled my heart like so much cake mix, and I found myself weeping. I tried to document it in my (PRIVATE! (FRIENDS-ONLY)) grief blog, but there's one person on there who I haven't taken off my friends list and he loves to make fun of me whenever I get real. So I wrote on my mirror in lipstick "EVERYBODY HATES YOU." And then I held Precious up to the mirror to make her read it but dammit if she can't read. so I took the muffins to my next door neighbor, Marcia (not my other neighbor, Loudy McNoisy), and asked if she'd like to share some chai and a little bit of a game I like to call "Your Memory, Mine."

Marcia's funny. She's always trembling when we sit together, like she's doing a Precious impression. And she keeps one hand on her cell phone. I'm always like, "Co-dependent much, Marica?" And then I laugh, and a few seconds later she gets it, and she laughs even harder like she's trying to show me how much she gets it even though I think maybe she didn't get it at all. She also eats so quickly. In like, thirty seconds the muffin is gone and then I feel like she's just watching me eat and talk for two hours. Oh, well. This is the dance we do to be good neighbors, I guess.

I'm almost finished with the hair poncho I was knitting. Did i talk about this already? Gosh, I'm in a meloncholy mood. Maybe there's something good on television to keep my mind off GumbBoy. I WON'T call him again tonight. It twists my stomach in knots to hear him cry like he does.

Dammit. Catherine just knocked something over in the well trying to climb out. Must be six 'o clock!

Laters.