in celebration of hot nerdy boys.
PAMIE
How was the rest of your weekend?
DANA
Good. I just… I’m so frustrated, because I’m having to do all these graphs for this class, and I don’t understand some of this computer shit. I mean, I’m very smart. Obviously. But then like, I don’t have to know Excel for any part of my life, so I don’t know it, and now I’m supposed to make a graph?
PAMIE
Well, I know some people who could probably help you learn to graph that.
DANA
You mean you don’t?
PAMIE
… I could figure it out.
DANA
Well, I was talking to my friend on the phone yesterday and I told him I was just so angry because everything I didn’t know about computers was looking at me in the face and I didn’t know what to do. And then he goes, “Okay, well, tell me this, and tell me this and go to this place here and read me that,” and then Pamie, oh my god.
PAMIE
He was in your computer.
DANA
He was IN MY COMPUTER. He was controlling my mouse! I was just watching him and he was… he was inside me.
PAMIE
It’s really hot.
DANA
Pamie, it’s the hottest thing I’ve ever seen. I’m not even kidding. Don’t make fun of me.
PAMIE
No, it’s always hot. It’s even a little thrilling when the Geek Squad people do it. I’ve done it before, and it’s fun to do to other people, too.
DANA
He cleaned up my desktop and moved things around and then I got nervous.
PAMIE
Well, it’s scary the first time.
DANA
I didn’t know what he’d find.
PAMIE
You’re very vulnerable, letting someone inside like that. Past your firewall.
DANA
You are making fun of me.
PAMIE
Only a little. But it is hot. Smart boys who fix things. And boys who make graphs. I’m just surprised you liked it so much. If I’d told you this, you’d make fun of me.
DANA
No, Pamie, I’m a nerd, too. Don’t you know that?
PAMIE
Uh-huh.
DANA
I love nerds. Haven’t you seen my friends? You’re all nerds.
PAMIE
Yeah, you’re right. Maybe you are supposed to be hanging out with your hot, pretty friends. Those other girls.
DANA
No, those hot, pretty girls are nerds, too.
PAMIE
DON’T SAY THAT. That’s not fair. You don’t get to be both.
DANA
I still say that you are a hot, pretty nerd, too.
PAMIE
Unh.
DANA
I want to do it again. Get him inside my computer. I cleaned up a little in case he does.
PAMIE
What, did you wax your hard drive?
DANA
Kinda.
PAMIE
I love how that boy got your inbox all hot.
DANA
I am sad that you haven’t updated your website in a long time.
PAMIE
Can I write about this?
DANA
Sigh. I suppose that’s what I get.
day without a gay
It’s International Human Rights Day. Gay or straight, find a way to be of service today. Fight H8 with love.
playing in a constant loop in my head lately:
- Ingrid Michaelson: Girls and Boys
- Track: “The Way I Am“
Holiday Shopping Suggestion: Akawelle
This is so beautiful:
My friend Cori does incredible things. Years ago I was going to go to Africa with her to help restock a medical facility or build a school or something super-important like that, but instead I sent them my father’s laptop and started working for Mind of Mencia. I will probably never recover from the Karmic debt I created with that decision. But I can keep trying.
Cat on the Prowl: Pamela Ribon
Cat Davis had me on her show. She made me cook for her, dress her, repeatedly defend my sexual identity, and perform my unrehearsed Cat Davis impression while sleeveless in harsh sunlight. She made me laugh so hard I got all teary and so there’s something in my eye for the first half of the episode.
Come share half an hour with the two Vageniuses. What better way to spend those last few minutes you’re stuck in the office?
This Turkey Day Eve, Cat is super thankful to be on the prowl with writer/comedian (and Cat Davis doppleganger) Pamela Ribon (Samantha Who?). It’s holiday heartbreak time when Kevyn cheats on Cat, and Pamie breaks the news that Cat has no chance with a certain Samantha Who? actress (whose name rhymes with “Mean Heart”).
Thank goodness for holiday comfort food! Pam shares her favorite Thanksgiving recipe, and Cat drowns her sorrows in pumpkin pudding. It turns out to be a happy holiday after all when Cat all but succeeds in taking the “Honor” out of straight Pam’s “Honorary Lesbian” status.
I had the video embedded, but the margins cut off the right side of the frame. So instead, go here to watch.
(I’m doing a parody of Cat’s opening from this episode.)
(More of Cat on the Prowl right here.)
conversation with mom
Pamie
…And then I said, “Well, that sounds dangerous, so please don’t tell me about it until it’s over or I will worry about it from now until it’s over.”
Mom
That’s exactly what you should have said.
Pamie
Which is how I knew I’d officially turned into you. I no longer want to hear about dangerous things people are doing until they’re done doing them. I suddenly understand why the mom of the girl at the Olympics wouldn’t even watch her compete. Used to think it was selfish; now believe it’s completely sensible.
Mom
This is why I don’t want to know anything about roller derby.
Pamie
Which is why I didn’t tell you when I broke my tailbone.
Mom
You should still tell me when you break your tailbone.
Pamie
And lie about how I did it?
Mom
I need to know when you break something.
Pamie
So you can get mad? Or so you can stop worrying that I’ll break something and start worrying about how I’ve broken something?
Mom
Both.
Pamie
I am careful, Mom. I watch out for myself.
Mom
Uh-huh. I’m sure you do, but you live in a city full of crazy people.
Pamie
Myself included.
Mom
People are always dying out there. Murdered in the streets. Whenever I watch one of these television shows, the murders and death are always happening in Los Angeles. Dangerous city.
Pamie
Mom… that’s because they make those shows in Los Angeles. This is where they make television. If they made all the television shows in Chicago, you’d think Chicago was the most dangerous city in America.
Mom
No, there are other dangerous cities. CSI: Miami, CSI: New York…
Pamie
Mom, I work at CSI: New York.
Mom
Really?
Pamie: Yes. They shoot across the street from my office. We’re on the same lot. And I can’t believe I just called a city “CSI:” anything.
Mom
Would you say hi to Gary Sinise for me?
Pamie
No. He gives me the creeps.
Mom
Well, that’s crazy. He seems like a nice guy.
Pamie
Why doesn’t Gary Oldman make movies anymore?
Mom
Now, THAT’S a creepy guy.
Pamie
Yeah, but he was really good at it.
Mom
What were we saying?
Pamie
That I’m going to be careful when I’m walking through the streets of CSI: New York at night.
Mom
Good. I love you.
Pamie
I love you, too, Mommy.
Weird fact I recently learned:
One-fifth of the writing staff thought I wear glasses.
the new pile
Calexico: Carried to Dust
The Cure: 4:13 Dream
The Young Republic: 12 Tales from Winter City
Q-Tip: The Renaissance
The Watson Twins: Fire Songs
my archived heart.
Looking through a high school yearbook from 1991. Turns out I was quoted on the “Valentine’s Day” page.
Of course, if you happened to be in the unfortunate position of being, well, unattached, then Valentine’s Day can be a little depressing. Pam Ribon describes the occasion this way: “Valentine’s Day is a cess-pool of a black and disgusting wasteland and a paganistic ritual that only ends up smashing my heart into a bloody, massive pulp. Happy Valentine’s Day!”
— Katy High School Yearbook, ’91. ([sic] x a million)
I suppose this could be considered my very first Valentine Poem. I must have been a blast to hang around back then, huh?
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