1. I’m watching the Beyonce documentary.
2. It’s 3:30 in the morning and I’m on my third shirt because I’ll never not be covered in someone else’s body fluids ever again.
3. Decaf is bullshit.
4. It’s pretty outside and I am inside.
5. There’s this documentary about happiness but at one point there’s a segment on suicide in Japan and there’s a clip of all these Japanese mothers singing a song about their sons being gone and IT IS THE SADDEST THING IN THE WORLD.
5a. Technically, there are two things I can name that are sadder.
5i. When that dolphin in Japan fell out of his tank, all the other dolphins were worriedly swimming close to the tank, concerned about their friend. (“Phil! Phil, are you okay? YOU GUYS, HE SAID ‘NEH-EH!’ HELP HIM!”)
5ii. When the elderly Japanese people hold Paro and get comfort I absolutely lose it because the only thing coming to visit these old people is a robot.
5b. I get pretty emotional about Japan.
6. I’m out of conditioner.
7. My gestational diabetes test came back with high glucose and now I have to go back to take the three hour test, but it’s pretty likely I have diabetes now and these are the kind of things they don’t warn you about having a baby. I mean, it’s not like they show Steel Magnolias in health class.
8. I’ve been trying to get past the same page on this script I’m writing for FIVE DAYS. It’s not because I have writer’s block. It’s because I only have these two hands and twenty-four hours each day and this is no longer enough.
9. While I was putting the baby to sleep my mom cleaned up after the bath and then had dinner ready for me when I zombie-walked into the living room.
10. It’s pretty outside and I am outside.
11. I miss Cal and I think I see him but it is not him, it is my breastmilk pump backpack in the corner.
12. It’s loud.
13. It’s quiet.
14. I’m happy.
15. I realized I haven’t showered in two days and maybe I haven’t brushed my teeth… this week? Does gum count?
You know how some parents get all pissed off when you compare having a pet to their having a child? I have to say, for a child this young, for me it is a lot like having a pet. But it’s like that time when your pet is really sick and you’re waiting on tests to find out what’s wrong so you stay up all night doing anything you think your pet would need or love, including making an apartment for him out of pillows and toys and taking a day or two or more off work and not going out with your friends because you are needed to care for something that cannot say what’s wrong and you feel like you’ll never be enough.
I currently have tendonitis in both thumbs caused by picking up my newborn. Did you know there’s a wrong way to hold your newborn? Did you know it’s the way they teach you to hold your newborn because it’s kind of the only way to hold your newborn while breastfeeding, but it’ll destroy your thumbs and make you unable to sign your name with a pen? It’s called De Quervain’s tenosynovitis. Well, if I got this condition from being an athlete or a musician or a cannery worker, they’d call it De Quervain’s tenosynovitis. But because I got this from lifting a kid, it’s called “Mommy thumb.”
“Mommy thumb.” It fills me with rage.
It should be called, “Holy fuck it hurts to have hands.” I didn’t cry during labor or delivery, I didn’t weep over a broken tailbone, but I broke down after needing to use two hands to put my car’s gear shift into park. This shit is the worst. The way to fix it? Stop picking up your newborn and stop swiping your smartphone. If I stop picking up the baby, the baby will scream and cry. And if I don’t have Twitter and Facebook during 3am feeds, so will I.
Perhaps it’s time for a semi-tragic biopic in honor of the ladies who get these pregnancy/delivery injuries and afflictions.
Two Broke Thumbs and a Table of Spunk: The Pamela Ribon Story.