1. Stephanie

    Oh, Pam. I would say that I can’t believe that happened to you, but I’ve been reading this blog for a really long time so I know that if that was going to happen to someone, it WOULD be you.

  2. Jess

    I might have just peed a little on my chair laughing at this, but at least I know where the puddle from.

    I admire your calm in the face of unimaginable grossness. And your ability to tell a freaking hilarious story.

  3. Lix

    I’m so sorry this happened to you. I’m not sorry you decided to write about it, because I’m still laughing, and laughing is good for the soul.

  4. Karen

    I am SO SORRY that this happened to you. But if it had to happen to anyone, I am glad that it happened to you, because no one else could tell that story the way you did. As evidenced by the fact that I just tried to explain to my husband why I was laughing so hard and he just looked at me like I was weird and walked away.

    Thank you.

  5. sooboo

    Oh my wow. I would out them to the world big time. So gross and also “Male client before pregnant lady client ejaculated everywhere and she got it all up on her.” That was so, so funny but also, I don’t think these people grasp the seriousness of what happened. Take a black light to the place and it probably would light up like a starry sky.

  6. I just forwarded this story to a massage therapist friend.

    Thanks for extending my Halloween?

    Hilarious and cringeworthy story! Loved it. Loathed it. Loaved it.

    For all that bad service and poor management, for all the ridicule, justice will be served. You’ll be the best, kick-assingest mom there ever was. Yeah, there’s no leap in logic there. I hope you see that.

  7. WomanWhoWeaves

    Do you know the Bloggess? You two should not hang out. The universe might implode.

    That said, I used to work as a massage therapist and that made me laugh. Now I teach them about HIV and Blood Borne Pathogens.

    Do remember that sharing a needle with a known HIV positive individual has a less than 1% risk of transmission per incident*. I’d rate your risks somewhere below that. Thanks.

    *Actually between .68 and 2.4%, newer figures than I had at the link below.

    • Shelley

      EXACTLY. The Beyonce the metal chicken post was the first thing I thought of when I read this one. The two of them would be unstoppable.

      So, so funny.

      • emelle

        They may not know each other, but they at least know OF each other. I found this post today because of TheBloggess’ weekly wrap-up.

        Gross. You were way too calm. I know me NOT PREGNANT – I can’t imagine the shit-storm I’d have brought were I in your shoes!

        Thank you so much for enduring these indignities and then posting them for all the world to read.

  8. I’m trying to come up with words to make you feel better about this, but I keep laughing. Also, I remember being 8 months pregnant and how sensitive and awful I felt so basically, I’m sorry this happened to you, but so glad you wrote about it. And finally, you need to tell us where this place is. It’s The Raven, isn’t it. I’ve never been there, but that place strikes me as a tent massage place.

    • You’re the second person to ask if it’s The Raven. It’s not. I’ve actually never heard of that place before, but with two unrelated mentions of it now after hearing this story, I don’t think I’ll be going there anytime soon.

  9. Maura

    Good lord. Maybe the Dept. of Public Health could do something? Like you don’t have plenty to do, but geez, that place needs to be LOOKED AT.

  10. Oh. My. God. That is one of the funniest things you’ve ever written, and there is some stiff competition there. That would be horrifying under normal circumstances, but while you’re pregnant and hormonal? Good Lord.

  11. Rachel B

    I’m so glad Avia told me to read your blog today. Possibly the best story and best advice ever. I might suggest that with that flashlight you also carry hand sanitizer. And mace. Just to be on the safe side.

    Also, just so you feel better, AIDS dies outside of the body within a minute so it’s very unlikely that you got the HIV from random spunk.

  12. Marissa

    Can you sue? I’d call a lawyer. Emotional damages, negligence, improper sheet maneuvering…I mean there has to be something

  13. I just randomly found a wet spot on this blanket across my lap and I FREAKED THE HELL OUT. Thanks, Pam, for ruining wet spots for me for the rest of my life.

    (Also OMG, I’m So Sorry. Shudder.)

  14. Jon

    1) I’m horrified.

    2) I’m laughing uncontrollably.

    3) Even if the health department doesn’t have rules about handjobs in a massage studio, they must have rules about changing the linens between clients. The idea that they just put down layers and peel them back all day long is revolting.

    4) A man who gives massages professionally is a masseur, not a masseuse. (But a man who gives professionally is a prostitute.)

    • RedheadDancingGirl

      Actually, both terms are antiquated. Current use is simply “massage therapist” for either gender.

      And OMG HURL.

  15. Melissa

    I think I love you.

    Because my 14 yr old daughter just asked why I was laughing so hard and I had to tell her, “go away or I will SCAR YOU FOR LIFE.”

    I am sure you will be fine, and your baby will be fine too except for the obligatory recounting of this story at every major life event.

    Good luck with that.

  16. Kim

    Hi Pamie, I don’t know you but I sincerely hope that you don’t let the humor we find in your story undermine the trauma of what happened to you. You absolutely need to lawyer up. That spa is creating a very real health hazard apart from the fact that they are performing illegal sex-acts.

  17. Lib

    Holy hell but that’s a crazy story. HOW COULD THEY EXPECT YOU TO PAY? I think that’s the craziest bit.

    Also, did I miss a step? I didn’t realise you’d gotten married! Congratulations. I feel like I missed a post somewhere…

  18. Philippa Chapman

    That salon is absolutely disgraceful. Something like that in the UK would earn such an establishment a big shut down/cease and desist on health and safety grounds. Personally, I’d sue, go to the papers and local radio and contact your local political representative.

  19. I’m so glad I work from home because I’m dying here. I’m so sorry you were to only violated but then expected to pay for the privilege. LOLOL

  20. Pam, I’m so, so, so sorry that happened to you, but OMG, this is the funniest freaking post I’ve ever read!!!
    I’m gonna say a prayer that you and your baby are healthy, and I’m sure you both will be fine.
    But, seriously, I’m alone in my house right now and I literally spit the fucking coffee out of my mouth and all over my computer screen with my first explosive laugh. And I laughed out loud all through it. I scared the shit out of my cat.
    Thank you so much for sharing this.
    Best wishes,

  21. Lis

    Holy Shit Pam! First, that was hilarious and awful at the same time. I’m quite impressed that you DIDN’T run around screaming… second I’m sure you’ll be perfectly fine and there’s nothing to worry about other than ewwwwwwwwww and third… You should get the spa to pay for the co-pay for your next appointment when you get checked out by your doctor, just to continue the paper trail. I’m not saying you should sue necessarily because while I think they were negligent you don’t have any damages other than emotional and I’m not one to champion suing just for the sake of it but I’d want to arm myself with some ammo just in case.

  22. Melissa

    On the bright side, you only have MRSA, herpes or warts to worry about.

    Wow – I hope you’re not getting increased traffic from “pregnant lady covered in semen” searches. This is easily the nastiest story I have ever read and I read that Palahniuk story Guts.

    Also, what will your mother say? You have to share her response!

  23. Jen

    Oh man, I cannot believe I have 1) never read your blog before and 2) have possibly been missing out on other bodily fluids you have come into contact with. New reader, fan 4eva.

  24. Claire

    I am so glad I missed the Nov.4 exp. date on this massage I won in a raffle right now!!!
    You are a hilarious, horrifying, story teller!!!!! New fan & reader here for sure!

  25. This is the most gorgeously fucked up thing I’ve ever read. I’m equal parts so sorry for you and so happy to have read this. So I guess what I’m saying here is that if it’s any consolation, your horror made my morning. Silver lining?

  26. Oh my…I don’t even know if I find this funny or horrifying…I’m pregnant and my husband keeps going on about how I need a massage and now well now I don’t think I could ever get one. I think you handled yourself so admirably and I am sorry this happened to you but it was a brilliant blog entry.

    • No, go get one! Just don’t get one at a place that considers a pre-natal massage to be a massage that includes a giant pillow. There are places like wellness centers with people who are trained to focus on the crazy places pregnancy makes you hurt.

      And they won’t be co-ed!

  27. My face actually hurts from trying not to laugh. I’m so sorry you went through this but you, lady, are a brilliant story teller and I am sitting here in a medical waiting room beet-faced looking like I’m in pain trying not to guffaw out loud.

    Thanks :)

  28. Alex

    OMG, please yelp the SHIT out of this place. I would not want to go anywhere that a) doesn’t sanitize their tables, b) gives h-jays and c) DOESN’T EVEN GIVE YOU FREE SHIT WHEN YOU’RE PREGNANT AND ROLL AROUND IN SEMEN.

    I am suddenly feeling less weird about my habit of keeping undies on when I get a massage though.

  29. Michelle

    I didn’t laugh at all while reading this. (No offense, because I think your writing is very good and I often laugh when reading it.) I just felt very bad for you because, although I’m sure you’ll be just fine, I can only imagine how frightened you became the more you thought about what had just happened, especially because you’re feeling vulnerable and extra protective of yourself right now. I would guess that everyone else finding humor in this has helped reassure you that you’ll be fine… which is a good thing, of course.

    • Aw, Michelle, I’m okay!

      Yes, it was upsetting, and I probably got more worked up about it once I left the place (note: Homeland ugly cry once I got to call my husband), and it was a stressful Sunday of wigging myself out, but you’re right — other people’s laughter helps me keep perspective and remember that although what happened was nasty, it could’ve been worse. My dietician told me about accidentally getting stabbed with infected needles, and it helped put things into perspective.

      But yes, the entire world feels like a threat, these days. When I’m on the highway all I can think is, “WHY DO WE DO THIS EVERY DAY THIS IS A DEATH TRAP WE ARE ALL GONNA DIE RIGHT NOW.”

      • Shannon

        Not to distract from the (horrible, awful, no good but crazy funny) story at hand (RIMSHOT) but husband? Has this been mentioned? Did I miss it? Whatever the case, congrats about All the Things (except the Surprise Sperm, the gift that …ugh, I can’t even try to finish (RIMSHOT) funny, surprise sperm is always awful.

  30. I just wanted to say that the audience did not give this the laughs it deserved. There were a couple of places where I was almost crying and it seemed really silent in the room. I read it after you posted it here just to be sure and, yep, I was right. Perhaps they were new to your particular brand of hilarity/mortification.

    I hope you and the baby are okay!

    • Ha. Well, first, it was a new piece for me, so it wasn’t as rehearsed as it could’ve been. Secondly, the recording was more of me than the audience, which is in a bar and not in a theatre setting, so there’s some laughs you can’t hear, but also it’s an intimate room. But thank you so much for listening! When I listened to it I couldn’t believe how breathless I got at points. Pregnancy lungs are not a performer’s friend.

      • PS: I don’t buy that Beyonce was singing and dancing with Blue Ivy up in her uterus at like, six months or whatever. Come on. I can’t even get a yogurt from the bottom shelf without having to take a breather.

        • I get breathless while sitting on the sofa and doing absolutely nothing, these days. Yet another delightful element of pregnancy about which I wasn’t warned!

        • Fred Fnord

          Barely knowing who Beyonce is (aside from a giant metal chicken), I found ‘Beyonce was singing and dancing with Blue Ivy up in her uterus’ an extremely arresting, not to mention disturbing, mental image.

        • Erin

          Oh, WORD. I get winded just trying go sing hymns at church right now while sitting still. Ugh.

          Also, girl, I feel you. I’m 36 weeks with my first and currently have horrifying carpal tunnel in my left hand. Like, my left hand is nearly useless. Plus I’m doing the finger stabbing thing (though I’m down to twice a day on that) because I refused to take the longer test after failing the first on account of my passing out when I have blood taken. Hang in there. We’re almost done, right? Please tell me we’re almost done…

  31. If anybody else in the entire world had told me that story I wouldn’t have believed it, Pam. God, that was horrific, and yet very funny. I can’t begin to imagine how much I would have freaked out if I was in your shoes! I’m due a good pre-natal massage, so yeah, I’ll be sticking to a specialist ‘maternity only’ place…

  32. Holy moly, what a story!

    I found you through twitter, where you are blowing up (if you haven’t already figured that out!)

    I was a massage therapist and so I feel qualified to say MAN did they handle all that so very poorly. Unprofessional, man.

  33. this is the line that brought me to tears – I’m now convinced that he’s crying and rubbing my thighs, thinking about how he just gave his last handjob in the back of this day spa

    literally crying with laughter. your recount is priceless. that said, I’m so sorry that happened to you and the babe — traumatizing.

  34. david

    I just have to say that I am very sorry to hear this happenning to you, I personally do not find this funny at all, I am a student at Cortiva school for massage therapy in WA and I find what the LMP did to be disgusting, the way you were treated was unjustified and you have every right to act and feel the way you did, I don’t know where you are but here in WA, something like that happens and the establishment gets shut down for various health violations which you mentioned from the way they change their sheets, to how they handled the whole bodily fluids, and not to mention how everyone whom you went to just laughed at this I’m left dumbfounded as to how people can be so ignorant and stupid, I’m really sorry this happened to you

  35. Vicki

    Sadly, the first thing I did when I stopped laughing was double-checked where you are located to make sure this was not someplace I might end up. And, as a pediatrician, though not yours, I am pretty sure your baby will be fine.

  36. Ryan

    Honestly, I hate the idea of a lawsuit because of how ridiculously often Americans use them. But this is a special case. If you can, take them to court… you could pay for your baby’s University that way.

  37. I’m sorry this happened to you. But what a laugh out loud story.

    I had to finger prick 4 times when I was PG and I would have had mini and full blown panic attacks for 6 mos after that baby was born with the thought of AIDS entering through my stabbed finger.

    Not funny, right?

    Heart thumping scared for you and feeling all the love you have for your baby.

    BUT what a tremendous story. And the closer: just nailed it.

    Also, have to say this: Girlfriend? ewwwwww.

  38. I totally understand your fear. I was right up there with my husband dying of rabies after he cockblocked a bat in my damn basement. He did not get rabies, you will not get AIDS.

    Your retelling of this story is comedy gold, award-winning, really.

  39. Thomas Anderson

    That was unnecessarily long, and not terrifying at all. There is probably more semen on handrails and starbucks counter tops then that. Gross yes. Totally overblown though.

  40. DPW

    First off: EWWWWW.

    Secondly, as a man of the male gender, I must say that most guys are freaking disgusting.

    The rest of us, however, are just as horrified by this as you. Kudos for making it into a hilarious re-telling.

    Oh, and if it makes you feel better, I could tell you about the time I got mistaken for a girl from behind, and had my ass pinched by an outlet-mall Santa Claus.

  41. Please take care of yourself and know that you have helped make others smile with your humour. I hope that your baby is an angel who lets you sleep through the night for all the misery you have had!

  42. I’m sorry to hear that.

    My wife and I have a 4 year old rascal and I remember quite well the final months of her pregnancy.

    I’m completely serious when I say that I’ll pay for you to get a massage as a gift for your new baby.

    I posted my name and email in the form fields to leave this comment. Please drop me an email if you want to take me up on the offer.

    Congratulations to you and your husband on the upcoming birth of your baby!!


  43. Jilly

    I’m a massage therapist. I am so sorry this happened to you. I don’t know what state you are in. In Texas, you can report the therapist and/or massage establishment to the Dept of Health. They will conduct a full investgation. I cannot believe they do not change the complete set of sheets. That is unexceptable. Please look into to reporting them.

  44. This has got to be the first random semen story I have ever read. Will add that to my list of firsts.

    Thanks for sharing this. A lot of people would be so horrified that they would never share, let alone put such a humorous spin on it. I figure in life while bad sometimes icky things happen to me aren’t fun when they are happening, they DO happen to be terrific stories for my blog. Because if we can’t laugh at ourselves then what’s the point?

  45. KristiDee

    Oh my God. That is horrifying and I think I may love you. That was the funniest thing I have read in a very long time. I am so sorry that something so disgusting happened to you but at least you can make something good from the situation and look at it with some humor. That’s what gets us through life:) Best of luck with the new little one!

  46. Dianne

    This is just brilliant. I laughed ’til I cried in a weirdly cathartic way. Not out loud, as I’m not completely heartless.

    I’m forwarding the link to my two best friends, my sister & niece, which is the most telling of my enjoyment of this story, although “enjoyment” may not be quite the right word, as it sounds just weird to have “enjoyed” this story.

    So, yes, well done.

  47. Doug

    Oh-OH!!! I feel sad, sick, and full of inappropriate funeral laughter! ON behalf of ‘men’-and I use the word loosely in this case-I am sooooo sorry! (still laughing though).

  48. I really can’t scrape together much to say besides I’m so so so sorry, and I feel bad that I’m laughing my ass off anyway, and I’m joining many other commenters with a big Ewwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwww. Oh, and I’m so so so sorry!!!!

  49. Holy merciful squirrels, horrible happening but couldn’t stop reading. Erg. No laughter, a lot of horrified wincing (again, the subject matter kinda over-ruled the ha! factor a lot)

  50. Tia

    I’m with the rest of your massage therapists on this one, being a therapist myself. I didn’t find this funny at all and I’ve actually had a client leave his mark after receiving a massage by me when I first started my internship hours in school. Don’t assume a therapist gives anyone a hand job. I recall this client continually squirming like he was uncomfortable (but subtle about his movements, so it didn’t occur to me that anything else was going on), then he took a few minutes longer than usual to come out of the room. After he left and I went back in to clean and remove sheets, that’s when I found out what he was doing and I was just as mortified and disgusted about it. His name just goes on a “black list” that says he’s not permitted back into that particular location of massage.

    The state I’m in also claims that sheets can’t be pre-stacked to get clients in and out faster, but it is mandated by the cosmetology board which comes in for surprise inspections. The massage board doesn’t inspect physical spas, just background checks on therapists. Thus I know spas (including 4 star & up) that continue that practice because they know they won’t get inspected.

    So sorry for your incident, but thank you for sharing it and letting others know. Hopefully it will gain enough interest to encourage better regulations within the spa environment.

  51. Tori

    Please call your Dept.of Health, your Sec. of State, the BBB. File complaints every avenue you can. Let them know what happened. The business needs to be fined,reprimanded,inspected,shut down. God awful experience for you. I would tell everyone I know about that disgusting,disrespectful,unprofessional,unsanitary place.
    I hope you have an uneventful nineth month!

  52. Alec

    Good read, not in a good way. I can appreciate gallows humour, but such callow responses make it difficult to share such mortifying experiences. So..thanks. I can only imagine the stress of thinking you may have been infected or something…I can only say in retrospect that if the place didn’t specialise in pre-natal massage, or if Ine doesn’t have an existing relationship with the masseuse/masseur, I’d would avoid a place like that. However, it could have just ad easily have been your friend. Black lights it is;)

    • Pamie

      I had been there before and went again specifically because they offered pre-natal massage. I’d had two other massage therapists, though and this one was new to me. Part of what made getting into the bed difficult was maneuvering around the pillow you have to use.

      I cut all those details from the monologue for time (plus, this isn’t a statement for the court, it’s a comedy piece), but I’d hate to give off the impression that I’d just wander into any old place and take my clothes off.

      I fear what the black light would’ve revealed!!

  53. OMG is all I kept saying over and over. I was not laughing at all- I felt sooo bad for you. I would call dept of health and the BBB. I would not have been as nice as you.

  54. Amanda L.

    November 15, 2012
    The writer (and human who likes to laugh) in me can’t help but love this.
    The massage therapist in me (why does that sound demonic now?) is — wait for the word of the day — horrified.

    Every county or city should have a department that handles massage licensing. If you’re sick to death of being Consumer Reporter, tell me the county and I’ll post a link to the licensing folks.
    In descending order or people who need to be smacked upside the head:
    Mr. Jizz
    Mr. ‘All Up on Her’ Manager
    Dr. Make a Terrible Joke
    Dr. Dismiss Your Concerns
    Ms. Maybe Now is Not the Time for Uninvited Hugs Receptionist
    The Massage Therapist who should have known he was way beyond freaked out to give any kind of healing touch.

    At our practice, we use two fitted sheets per client and remove them both after each massage. I optimistically thought this was the norm. But, we also have doors and don’t charge people when sperm from strangers is part of their experience.

  55. Liz

    Give us the phone # to the place we could all have a lot of fun with this! Sorry about your luck …. You are very funny though :)

  56. amanda

    You are married, so you have found love…
    You are about to have a baby..so more love is coming…..
    The Jizz part is nasty…but look on the bright side…(see first two statements)

  57. T

    OK bullshit. BS to the millionth power. YELL AND THROW SHIT. You are waaaaaaay too calm about all this. And yes, call the damn cops.

    This is hilarious, but also outrageous…or just RAGEous…as in it should be causing rage. GET MAD, mama! I can guaran-damn-tee you that I would not have left that place without a police escort. And I’m not crazy or unreasonable.

    Dude, really, is there still time to do something? Because that is unnacceptable, no matter how funny it is. (and it is really really funny)

  58. Liana

    That was a wonderful story that made me laugh and feel queasy at the same time. You’re a great storyteller.

    BTW, the day I was diagnosed with GD, I had my wallet stolen and I had to get stitches IN my bellybutton when I had a precancerous mole removed (they found it only because my bellybutton had popped out with the pregnancy).

    So yeah, I feel your pain. :)

  59. Lisa E.

    I am SO incredibly sorry that this happened to you, but I’m so glad that you exist, and that you shared this story with us in the perfect way that only you can.

    Last week I came here and cried so hard that both of my contacts literally flooded out of my eyes and washed up on my cheeks. (Truly, I was so sorry for your loss that I couldn’t even say so here, I was just an impotent ball of sadness for you). This week I come here and you make me nearly cry just as much from laughing. You have a gift, you ARE a gift, and I am so glad that your newest gift is nearly here so that you can enjoy this new love of your life and no longer think about things like gestational diabetes or Stranger Spunk Danger.

    Big love to you, Pamie!!!!!

  60. Pig

    Truly disgusting. I would have puked right there. But, on the bright side, I hear it’s good for your skin…or is that just some more BS men made up?

  61. Mel

    I am trying to figure out if it is your blessing or your curse that you can take something this horrifying and make it this hilarious.

  62. As a Registered Massage Therapist, I’m appalled that such a place exists.

    As a first time reader, I’m delighted that you’ve got so much wit to be able to turn such a horrible event into such a hilarious story.

  63. a massage therapist

    I’m so glad you can laugh (and be so crazy funny) about this–though it should have never happened and it is totally disgusting. Plus, the establishment was so unprofessional I wanted to report them myself to the DOPH.

    I specialize in prenatal massage, and I just want to say that I do not accept male clients, period. The official reason is that I wouldn’t have room for new pregnant clients, but mostly it is because you never know if one will, despite any encouragement, decide to leave their spunk on my table. My office is a no-spunk zone, thank you very much.

    I do hope you find a better place to go. Don’t give up on massage, I know you need it!

  64. Alison

    what I am curious about is what a man was doing on a pregnancy massage table? Assuming this story is true and not actually a made up urban legend, if you were 8 months pregnant would you not be lying on a table with a hole for your belly? If so, why on earth would a man be on the table prior to you?
    Seems a little fishy to me…pardon the pun

    • I’ve yet to see a pre-natal massage table with the hole. I hear they’re difficult because every belly is different. This was a day spa, not a place just for pre-natal massages, which is why it was co-ed. But I appreciate your attempts at super-sleuthing.

  65. Maggie

    Amazing. A thousand slightly-more-frills salons should be calling you right now offering free scalp, feet, whatever massages. There is very little white lady problem justice in this world. I hope you get some!

  66. Hilariously told. Thank goodness for your friend.

    But would you really want to go back there? I would want some other form of compensation. As in they not only gave me that massage free, but they give me gift certificates to some OTHER properly upscale massage parlor.

  67. My friends give me shit all the time for never having had a massage, and having no desire to have one. “Get a massage,” they say. “It will be fun!” they say. Next time I hear that, I’m directing them to this post. I *knew* there was a reason I was avoiding these things.

  68. Jackie

    Oh em gee!! I’m over due and let me tell you, you handled the situation way better than I ever would or could have. I would have lost it, and everyone of those people in the other tents would have known that there was a steaming pile of jizz left on the table in the dark room for my big pregnant ass to sit in! Then the massage therapist and manager would have had a very unpleasant conversation with me! I commend you for your restraint!! Please don’t ever go back there!!

  69. Allison

    ok, I just have to ask…was this place in West Hollywood on La Cienega? Because if so, I just need to never ever go there again

  70. Oh holy hell. I can’t even. I just . . . wow.

    1. I think I love you.

    2. Not in a sperm-y way.


    4. I spent the entirety of my pregnancy CONVINCED I had AIDS. Because of course I did.

    5. I’m kind of glad my regular masseuse hasn’t called me back yet.

    6. I’m afraid to find another one.

    7. It goes without saying, it would NOT be co-ed.

  71. Romanmah

    I have been reading your blog forever. If I had just come across this entry as a first-timer, I would have been impressed with your writing and your wild imagination and had a great laugh.

    But since I have been reading you since the Clinton administration [really], I know that you pretty much just dictated this shit like a court-reporter. My horror unraveled the more I read. “Girl, ew.” doesn’t cover it.

    So all this to write:
    Miss Pamela, I am so sorry about this. I really want to give you a hug. You just wanted a massage. That’s not a huge request. And you got an ass full of mystery semen. That is just dreadful. I don’t know anyone who I would wish that on.
    So here is something cute and fluffy:

    • pamie

      I think you reach “officially old” when people refer to how long they’ve been reading you by presidential administrations.

      Flattered and withered, just the same. Thank you. And thanks for the cute and fluffy. I did need that!

  72. I’m having a crisis of conscience right now….absolutely horrified on your behalf, alternating with laughing so hard I think I peed a little

    Like pregnant women don’t have enough to worry about, now you have to be concerned about random spa jizz? So very wrong

  73. I never want to touch anything, ever again. Or be pregnant ever. And I can’t decide if it would be better or worse not to be pregnant in that situation. Not being pregnant would mean it would be easier to jump off the table, which would mean less time rolling around in the mystery jizz, but then you would actually have the opportunity to worry about being impregnated by a guy who gets jacked off at massage parlors. This made my day, so thank you.

  74. Oh, hecks no…You are a much nicer person than me. Not only would I have my friends boycott the place, but their business name would have already been on the first page of a Google search after I did a raving review about them…that’s just plain nasty. Maybe you could have scooped it up with one of their business objects and shoved it in the manager’s nose to smell? Wow…

  75. I am so sorry you had to go through that disgusting experience! I own a massage therapy clinic dedicated to women that specializes in pregnancy. If you ever make it up to Ottawa, Canada I will give you a free treatment.

  76. My day job is at a chain/franchise massage clinic, and my question is, “What the fuck?” What state do you live in? In most states, the massage parlors/clinics/spas are all under the authority of the state health department. I live in Washington State. Stacking sheets is against protocol and we fire therapists who do it. Any therapist who is involved in an incident even approaching the level of yours would be automatically suspended while the incident was being investigated. The police would have been called. Your massage would have been comped and a different therapist, one of your same gender, would have taken over your care, if you wished to continue. A thorough and detailed account of the incident would have been recorded and forwarded to the franchisee, the regional manager, and the state, as well as the police department. The prior client would have been questioned by the police and possibly arrested.
    In case you’re wondering, this is a serious, very grave incident. We in the wellness industry never take our clients’ well being for granted. Please accept my apologies for this incident ever happening to any person, EVER. You should not have had this happen in your life. I hope you remain well and have a wonderful and healthy baby.

  77. Cassie

    Ew, Ew, Ew.

    If it had been me, there would have been a hell of a lot of “playground” voice (some people think I’m shouting and then I shout to clarify the difference. And if they’re really obtuse, I then scream, to show them that’s different, too.)

    At Whole Foods once, I found out that the sushi guy was using some gluten thingy in what should have been very clean, safe (for raw fish, anyway) sushi. As I’m gluten-intolerant and this was going to give me a sick week in bed, I tried to file a complaint. But there was a management meeting going on, so all the people with authority were unavailable, and the guy at the service desk didn’t speak English well enough to know what gluten was. He told me I couldn’t talk to a manager. Well. That was a Dumb Thing to say.

    Because then I got loud. And Louder. And LOUDER. I saved the shouting and screaming for when most of the management team had crowded around, and I was very very loud about Whole Foods POISIONING me. Geez, they really ask for it when they don’t understand that their primary position should be GROVEL.

    So if it was me, I’m pretty sure they would have had to completely change their business, because those tents wouldn’t have kept any neighboring businesses from hearing every detail. I would probably have called the police and had them take a DNA sample. I would have scared all the other clients into running into the street covered only by their jizzed up sheets.

    I admire you for keeping your cool. Your baby is probably going to be much happier and healthier because you didn’t fall apart about it. But if you want me to come SPEAK VERY LOUDLY to them, I’d do that. Even though I’ve never been to your blog before (Bloggess tip).

    I hope you have a wonderful, calm little baby and this becomes just a hysterical memory.

    • Karen

      “Geez, they really ask for it when they don’t understand that their primary position should be GROVEL.”

      You speak my language!

  78. I am a massage therapist and I am completely, utterly horrified. There is no reason for anything like this to ever happen. Not ever. And the fact that they didn’t say, of course your service, and your friends service, will absolutely be free. It sounds like a fully sketchy place to start with, you definitely need to find a new place.

    All that said, I love your telling and I couldn’t help but laugh. It is fully horrifying, fully hysterical.

  79. Michelle

    Pam, I can’t believe how calm you stayed through all of that and that you had to go through it. I am so sorry! I know it’s been a couple months now but I would continue to follow up on this. If the manager never contacted you back I would write him again and tell him of your concerns and that it feels like he isn’t taking this situation seriously. Take it to the press if you need to. You can stay annon if you want but people around there have a right and reason to know not to go there!

    My best wishes for you and your baby.

  80. Oh. My. God.
    I’m never going to a massage place again. This had me laughing with a permanent look of disgust. Your calmness is amazing. I really hope everything works out ok in the end for you.
    Stay strong, and keep that sense of humor!


  81. Good lord, girl!! I thought I had it bad at very plus sized 31 weeks with gestational diabetes! Thank you for being the chosen one so I don’t have to. This kind of thing could only happen to you, or me. Thank you for the laugh and the boiling rage. I commend you for not just exploding. I would have gone off the deep end and probably just given birth right there so I could leave the mess just to spite them. Or I wouldn’t have slept until the place was shut down and I had free massages for life from the nicest place in town at their nasty ass expense.

  82. I’m never, ever getting pregnant OR getting a massage now. Ever. But I thank you for making the bad day I just had go away for a while as I laughed at yours. I know everything must be fine and healthy for you now so I don’t feel bad laughing.

  83. Judy

    If this was meant to be amusing I guess I missed the hilarity. I’m just sick about this happening to a pregnant woman. To any one. Semen is a bodily fluid and can carry viruses etc.

    I’m sorry you went through this but I would have thrown a hissy fit, called the police and filed assault charges, asked for a rape kit for DNA. Well, you see where I’m going…bat shit crazy with anger.

    • barfo rama

      We got the bubble-headed-bleach-blonde who
      Comes on at five
      She can tell you ’bout the plane crash with a gleam
      In her eye
      It’s interesting when people die-
      Give us dirty laundry

  84. Jess

    This reminds me of a time I got into a NYC cab on a hot summer day. Put my hand in the back of the seat to brace myself as I slid over to make room for my sister. Some guy’s disgusting back sweat was covering the seat and now my arm. Barf.

  85. Oh, my that was a brilliantly written hilarious story. Yes, it was about your outrage and horror, but like a masterful storyteller you turned it into something that had me laughing so hard my teens came in to ask what was so funny!

    I’ve had a massage in a place like that (although not a prenatal one) so the visual I had with your words was crystal clear.

    First time I’ve read your work and I look forward to reading future & past stories.

    Although… with kids there is sure to be MANY more bodily fluid stories. Just don’t take them to a McDonalds PlayPlace when they’re potty training. Just don’t! Cuz its very embarrassing to tell the pimply faced employee that your son, may or may not have left a poop somewhere in the tubes when he came down naked as you scamper away as fast as you can.

  86. On the one hand, I am so unbelievably sorry that happened to you. On the other hand, I’ve had a rough day and reading this made me feel quite a bit better. And guilty. Because stranger jizz on pregnant women shouldn’t make me feel better about my life.

  87. CM

    OK, first of all, I was horrified, and laughing, and more horrified. At work. Where everyone is looking at me weird because apparently I have odd horrified/hysterical faces. Also, my job happens to be answering 9-1-1 calls. So, horrified is difficult for me.

    That being said, I would TOTALLY sue their asses! I mean, that is a bodily fluid – a BIOHAZARD. That is something a HAZMAT team should have to clean up with goggles and gloves and special viral-killing cleaning agents. Get my drift? Hospitals don’t even handle PEE without facemasks.

    Anyway. I am in Texas where we don’t sue. We just pull out a shotgun and take care of the problem. But, in this case, I would want more satisfaction. I would want the shop closed down. Clearly they were not appalled at the situation enough to even see the deeper issues.

    Either way, I did laugh. Still not an OK thing to happen, but made me laugh.

  88. Melissa Riley

    The biggest red flag for me in this (I was a massage therapist years ago) is that they load up the table with layers of sheets and just peel off the top one or 2 in between. Really??? I would first lay a towel down to protect my table from the oil, then throw on a fitted sheet and a top sheet. It would take no time at all to remove all after a client, spray and wipe down the table, and get it ready for the next client. That is just disgusting to me.

  89. OHhhhh my gosh. I died laughing at this and then felt bad because there is no way in hell you made this up. My friend shared and this will forever be my favorite post. Damn men. Always getting us stuck in sticky situations.

  90. Kyrie

    As a professional LMT, it is against the law to layer your sheets. If I got caught doing this I would loose my job immediately. You should definitely report this to the state massage board, as well as the health board. I completely agree it is very frustrating to have management refuse to get rid of problem clients. Often as an LMT we are subjected to sexual harassment because management doesn’t want to loose the money for a client that returns just to sexually harass the massage therapist. Also just for the record any place that does not have private rooms, is shady to begin with most of those places do not have licenced massage therapists on their staff.

  91. You should scream it from the rooftops! As a massage therapist this is not only a horrible story but a criminal one! All sheets, anything that has touched a client, should be changed and the bed wiped down between clients… Especially for a pregnancy client!

    A true professional would have offered you a free massage. If, God forgive me, anything like this happened I would offer to pay for a massage with another therapist. And I am that client who would have run through the place screaming ‘get out’.
    If you are in a place that you need a flashlight…get out! If you are sharing a space… Get out! If you touch something creepy…get out!

    Poor thing! I hope you’ve gotten a good massage since the incident. But please Yelp it, Facebook it and report it to the local better business bureau. These people make us all look bad. .

  92. Rebecca

    I can totally relate. Got into my car after it was in valet and a guy had ejaculated on my dash and windshield. Try explaining that on the phone to the manager!

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