Hollywood Reporter: Mom Edition

Posted by Pamie on Sep 8, 2011 · 30 Comments

INT. PAMIE’S CAR — LAST NIGHT

MOM
Hello, “Pamela Ribon!” It says your name on my TV when you call. But it’s not your name on the TV like the credits.

[MOM'S CALLER ID IS ON HER TELEVISION. IT IS EXTREMELY DISORIENTING IF YOU DON'T KNOW THAT, WHEN SUDDENLY THE SHOW YOU'RE WATCHING IS BROUGHT TO YOU BY "BUG GUY."]

PAMIE
Hi, Mom! Yes, it’s the real me, not the one on the credits. I’m stuck in traffic.

MOM
Ooh! I’m so happy when you’re stuck in traffic. Because then you call me.

PAMIE
It’s true. So what’s going on?

MOM
Well, they canceled my Closer, so I don’t know what I’m going to watch now. Those jerks. They took my Closer.

PAMIE
I’m sorry. Well, they have that show coming out The Rememberer. I mean, they renamed it, but it’s about a girl who remembers everything?

MOM
Yeah, well, they already have that show and I watch it. That’s Suits. I like Suits. That’s a good show. I watch that.

PAMIE
Are you guys watching Justified yet?

MOM
I still have a few of those Law and Order shows, and I watch the CSI’s, when they’re on. Wait, what show did you say?

PAMIE
Justified.

MOM
I don’t… I don’t know that one. Is On Demand?

PAMIE
Maybe. I’ve been telling you about it. With Timothy Olyphant?

MOM
Oh, he’s been on television for a long time.

[I DON'T KNOW WHO SHE MUST THINK THIS IS.]

MOM
I’ll see if I can find it On Demand. That’s how we watch a lot of those shows now. Your sister likes the one with the guy from Everybody Loves Raymond working as a car salesman. She loves that show.

PAMIE
Oh. They canceled that. Men of a Certain Age.

MOM
Oh! She’s going to be so upset when I tell her that! Oh. She really likes that show. It’s got that guy who’s been in a lot of movies.

PAMIE
Andre Braugher?

MOM
Yes, him and the black guy who I like who’s on a lot of tv shows. I don’t know his name, though.

PAMIE
That’s Andre Braugher. The other guy is Scott Bakula. From Quantum Leap.

MOM
That’s right! Quantum Leap! That’s a good show.

PAMIE
…They canceled it.

MOM
I know that! Smart ass. Oh, you know what we saw? Final Destination Five in 3D!

PAMIE
Yeah?

MOM
We loved it!

NATALIE (faintly in background)
It was so good!

MOM
It was great. There’s this part, where–

NATALIE
Don’t tell her! Mom, don’t ruin it for her.

MOM
I’m not going to ruin it for her. I’m just going to tell her that one part where–

NATALIE
That’s— you can’t tell her that part!

MOM
Well, your sister doesn’t want me to ruin the movie for you.

PAMIE
Am I on your couch and it’s Christmas time? Because otherwise I don’t think I’m going to see it.

MOM
No?

PAMIE
I’ve only seen the ones I’ve seen because you guys watch them.

MOM
Well, I guess you won’t ever see this one, because I don’t have a 3D TV.

PAMIE
Um…

MOM
I can tell her, Natalie, because it’s a 3D thing.

NATALIE
Don’t tell her! Make her watch it!

MOM
You’ll have to go see it.

PAMIE
Did you guys watch Mad Men yet?

MOM
What?

PAMIE
Mad Men. Did you guys watch Mad Men yet?

MOM
What show?

PAMIE
Mad Men.

MOM
What are you saying? I don’t understand what you’re saying.

PAMIE
Mad Men! Can you not hear me?

MOM
Huh? No, I can hear you. I just don’t understand you. What’s “Mad Men?”

PAMIE
This is like you’re yelling at me, “Seinfeld? What is… did you say Seinfeld?”

MOM
Well, I don’t know what you’re talking about. This is a show?

PAMIE
Yes, it’s a show!

MOM
“Mad Men?” Did you say “Manmen?” “Mamman?” “Meh-meh?”

PAMIE
Oh, my god.

MOM
……………..

PAMIE
Hello? Hello? Did I lose you? Mom?

[calls again]

MOM
Hello, “Pamela Ribon!” I don’t know what happened.

PAMIE
We lost the call.

MOM
Okay, so what is this show? I’m sorry, it doesn’t make any sense, what you are saying.

PAMIE
Mad Men!

MOM
Can you spell it?

PAMIE
Are you kidding? Fine. Okay. M–

MOM
Wait. Let me get a piece of paper.

[I JUST WANT TO SAY HERE FOR A SECOND THAT I AM NOT MAKING ANY OF THIS UP.]

PAMIE
Ready?

MOM
Yes. Okay. M.

PAMIE
M-A-D…M–

MOM
D as in David?

PAMIE
Yes. D as in David.

MOM
Okay. M-A-D…now what?

PAMIE
Well, there’s a space. And then M-E-N. Mad Men!

MOM
Oh, Mad Men! Yeah, I hate that show.

PAMIE
OH MY GOD.

MOM
Mad Men. Ugh, I’ve seen it. It’s awful. I don’t know why people want to watch that. … Hello? Did we… did we lose the call, again? Hello, Pamela Ribon?

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30 Comments

Joanna L. Castillo
September 8, 2011
Love your mom stories so much!
Reply
JennyA
September 8, 2011
HA! Your mom is so awesome.
As an aside, my mom also hates Mad Men. She says, “I was there, and it was depressing, and I don’t want to watch a show about it.”
My mom is Sally, so… I guess I get it.
Reply
- Jennifer
  September 8, 2011
  I also hate Mad Men for that reason. I am so glad I wasn’t born in that era, I probably would have been suicidal.
  Reply
Mel
September 8, 2011
I wish my mom were this funny on the phone. She used to be but now she’s all “I’m talking to your brother, I’ll call you back!” It is far less amusing.
Reply
Kizz
September 8, 2011
I’m so afraid that she thinks you’re talking about Jerry Orbach and you’re going to have to break the news to her that he’s dead. Many years of dead.
Reply
- Pamie
  September 8, 2011
  Kizz, I think you might be right. Even though I called her when Jerry Orbach died, which I do whenever one of “her guys” passes away.
  The Cary Grant phone call was difficult.
  Reply
Trixie Biscuit
September 8, 2011
I think Timothy Olyphant is Harry Hamlin. Maybe your mom does too.
Reply
- Pamie
  September 8, 2011
  Tara suggested Mom was thinking of Timothy Hutton. I’m thinking she’s right.
  Reply
  - Pamie
    September 8, 2011
    But more importantly, Trixie: WHAT IS WRONG WITH YOU?
    Reply
Paul Tabachneck
September 8, 2011
Love that!
I didn’t know they had canceled the Closer, but I have a funny story about the Closer.
They ran a preview on AMC FirstLook for the Closer one season where she’s walking around and people are just telling her flat out about the crimes they committed, as if she were psychic. Which made me buy Season one of iTunes for a long bus ride, because hey! Kyra Sedgwick as a PSYCHIC COP is an amazing show!
Don’t get me wrong, it’s still a great show, but it’s no Kyra Sedgwick: Psychic Cop.
(See also: I watched all of Hidden Palms because I thought the twist was going to be that the main character was a mermaid.)
Reply
- Pamie
  September 8, 2011
  One: happy just had your birthday.
  Two: I almost hit Kyra Sedgwick with my car one night. There’s no way my mom would’ve ever forgiven me. http://pamie.com/2006/10/post-30/
  Reply
  - Paul Tabachneck
    September 8, 2011
    1. Thank you!
    2. See? If she had been psychic, that never could have happened. The world would just be better!
    Reply
Michael
September 8, 2011
It might make your mother feel better to know that when The Closer ends next year, they are going to spin-off a new show called Major Crimes with Mary McDonnell’s character and most of the rest of the supporting cast.
Reply
carolyn
September 8, 2011
no. this is too good to be true.
Reply
Mike
September 8, 2011
Does your mom know they are making a spin-off of The Closer with Mary McDonnell called Major Crimes? She may not like it though since her character doesn’t get along with Kyra’s character. I mean, if she’s anything like my mom.
Reply
Infinite Pest
September 8, 2011
So I sent this post to my mom and was like, ‘Hey Mom, this is us. We would/have totally had this conversation.’ Here is the response I got: ‘It certainly does sound familiar. I think the folks at Verizon are taping us. Time to stop using cell phone technology; will go back to telephones and face to face communications.
Thank goodness I still have a typewriter in my office — they’re probably tracing my email and Microsoft Office Suite documents also.’
We have the same mom Holla. Apparently.
Reply
- Pamie
  September 8, 2011
  Does your mom think I work for Verizon?
  Reply
  - Infinite Pest
    September 8, 2011
    Apparently so. That or she’s drinking at work again. I’m assuming that she just thinks you work for Verizon.
    Reply
    - Infinite Pest
      September 8, 2011
      The real logic behind this. She thinks that Verizon is recording us and broadcasting our calls somewhere (youtube maybe?) and you are listening to them (because clearly that’s what you spend your time doing), thus we should stop using the phone so you can stop listening and cannot repeat the same conversations with your mother.
      We should have drinks and compare mothers sometime. If nothing else, it will be quite amusing.
      Reply
    - Pamie
      September 8, 2011
      Tell her I’m cutting off her phone.
      Reply
      - Infinite Pest
        September 8, 2011
        She won’t notice. She doesn’t know how to use it anyway. Mostly when she answers the phone she just hangs up on me and then has to call me back.
Al
September 9, 2011
THEY CANCELLED THE CLOSER? I am m-a-d about that.
Reply
- Michael
  September 9, 2011
  Technically, it wasn’t cancelled. It is ending next year because Kyra Sedgwick’s contract is up and she doesn’t want to continue.
  Reply
- Dani
  September 9, 2011
  Would you say you’re a mad man?
  Reply
Dani
September 9, 2011
Oh, lordy. I just have to say that I turned to pamie.com, as I so often do, because I was dying for something good to read at work on a braindead day and this box on my desktop wasn’t ponying up. Until now. And see, I never shoulda done that, because then I laughed too hard and I had to smooch my lips together more and more to keep from laughing really loud and now the lower half of my face is numb.
I guess Dr. Pamie’s Readers could fix that, though, if the problem persists. And there are no more new entries. So either way, I have nothing to complain about.
Reply
JeniMull
September 11, 2011
I love you & your mom. So Much.
Reply
Katy
September 14, 2011
I love your mom stories. Someone should do a TV show about you and your mom – oh, wait…
Reply
- pamie
  September 14, 2011
  What a smart lady you are, Katy.
  Reply
Liz
September 14, 2011
My mom ALSO has the caller ID on her TV, and she ALSO answers the phone with my full name. Only she pronounces it all painstaking-like, because her caller ID also TALKS, and she likes to imitate the lady on the machine. So, “Hello, ELIZABETH LASTNAME.”
Every time!
(She keeps intending to start on Mad Men, but let me tell you now that she is going to HATE it.)
Reply
Tracie
September 14, 2011
Your mom is much more fun than my mom. I am feeling jealous.
Reply