So what had happened was–
It’s a couple days before Christmas, I’m at Grand Central Station, and there’s some time before the train to Connecticut. Not a lot of time, but some time. Enough to grab a drink.
There’d been some drinking the night before, so I didn’t want another glass of wine. I just wanted something to sip while I waited, so I ordered a Scotch. Glenlivet, with one ice cube.
This is what came to the table:
“No, excuse me, I wanted it with just one ice cube,” I said. “Or neat. There’s water in this, right?”
“No, ma’am. That’s all Scotch.”
“Why? Are you trying to kill me?”
It’s got to be $40 worth of Scotch that they gave me for $12. I’ve thought about it for a while, and I can’t figure out which one is the answer.
1. The bartender was crazy-impressed with my order, and went balls-out on the pour. (This happens sometimes, apparently a woman ordering Scotch sends some bartenders over the edge. A few months ago when I ordered, the bartender turned to my friend and said, “You need to marry this woman.” Yes, because she doesn’t mind getting drunk before her meal.)
2. The bartender assumed anyone ordering Scotch at that hour was on her way to an extremely trying Christmas vacation, and was trying to say, “Lady, I get it.”
3. The bartender assumed the Scotch was for the gentleman next to me. When the waiter arrived, he placed the wrong drink in front of me. “Champagne for the lady?” he said, with a flourish. Nope. Champagne for the gentleman. It was one of those moments where I’m hoping it comes off all cool, but inside I’m mortified that it looks like I have an actual drinking problem.
Whatever the bartender had in mind by pouring half a bottle of Scotch into a glass, I mostly felt bad that I barely put a dent in it by the time I had to leave for the train. Not that I didn’t give it my best shot.
It was one of my better Christmas presents this year.
Keeping Up Tradition
Same place, same day, new year, new terminal. Thankful for the things that stay the same, grateful for the things that are new.
Hmm. I did have a picture taken from last year’s Jet Blue post-Xmas flight, but now I remember I never got to post it, as a woman sitting at the table next to me struck up a conversation and we ended up eating lunch together, swapping stories of love and romance. One thing I’ve definitely inherited from my mother is whatever it is that causes strangers to want to intensely bond for about an hour and then disappear forever.
Happy holidays, everybody. Hope your days are filled with love.
Activating Niya
Here’s the thing about Niya. She sits across from me at the table every day, and while I never know exactly when it will happen, there will be a point where she goes off. Sometimes it’s over something seemingly innocuous, like cookies. Or dogs. I particularly enjoy the times it’s about how she would have reacted if she were me in a certain situation. (“Oh, you need to listen. I don’t know who the FUCK you think you are, but…”)
I have often said I’m trying to be able to tap into my inner Niya, and she says she’s working on her outer Pam.
In a conversation about Twitter and Facebook, Niya went off on how annoying Twitter is: “It’s just one damn thing after another, on and on about how perfect everything is in her life, all these little moments I couldn’t give a FUCK about because I DON’T LIVE WITH HER. “My darling Jessie just came home from school.” “Jessie just drank some milk.” “Jessie got all A’s!” “I love my perfect family!” “Dinner: what to make?” “Laundry, I just did it.” Why don’t you put down the damn Twitter and join your perfect goddamn family?!?”
This turned into Niya telling me what she thinks about women who call themselves the CEO’s of their families. I loved it so much it made me want to make my very first YouTube video. Enjoy.
in celebration of hot nerdy boys.
PAMIE
How was the rest of your weekend?
DANA
Good. I just… I’m so frustrated, because I’m having to do all these graphs for this class, and I don’t understand some of this computer shit. I mean, I’m very smart. Obviously. But then like, I don’t have to know Excel for any part of my life, so I don’t know it, and now I’m supposed to make a graph?
PAMIE
Well, I know some people who could probably help you learn to graph that.
DANA
You mean you don’t?
PAMIE
… I could figure it out.
DANA
Well, I was talking to my friend on the phone yesterday and I told him I was just so angry because everything I didn’t know about computers was looking at me in the face and I didn’t know what to do. And then he goes, “Okay, well, tell me this, and tell me this and go to this place here and read me that,” and then Pamie, oh my god.
PAMIE
He was in your computer.
DANA
He was IN MY COMPUTER. He was controlling my mouse! I was just watching him and he was… he was inside me.
PAMIE
It’s really hot.
DANA
Pamie, it’s the hottest thing I’ve ever seen. I’m not even kidding. Don’t make fun of me.
PAMIE
No, it’s always hot. It’s even a little thrilling when the Geek Squad people do it. I’ve done it before, and it’s fun to do to other people, too.
DANA
He cleaned up my desktop and moved things around and then I got nervous.
PAMIE
Well, it’s scary the first time.
DANA
I didn’t know what he’d find.
PAMIE
You’re very vulnerable, letting someone inside like that. Past your firewall.
DANA
You are making fun of me.
PAMIE
Only a little. But it is hot. Smart boys who fix things. And boys who make graphs. I’m just surprised you liked it so much. If I’d told you this, you’d make fun of me.
DANA
No, Pamie, I’m a nerd, too. Don’t you know that?
PAMIE
Uh-huh.
DANA
I love nerds. Haven’t you seen my friends? You’re all nerds.
PAMIE
Yeah, you’re right. Maybe you are supposed to be hanging out with your hot, pretty friends. Those other girls.
DANA
No, those hot, pretty girls are nerds, too.
PAMIE
DON’T SAY THAT. That’s not fair. You don’t get to be both.
DANA
I still say that you are a hot, pretty nerd, too.
PAMIE
Unh.
DANA
I want to do it again. Get him inside my computer. I cleaned up a little in case he does.
PAMIE
What, did you wax your hard drive?
DANA
Kinda.
PAMIE
I love how that boy got your inbox all hot.
DANA
I am sad that you haven’t updated your website in a long time.
PAMIE
Can I write about this?
DANA
Sigh. I suppose that’s what I get.
day without a gay
It’s International Human Rights Day. Gay or straight, find a way to be of service today. Fight H8 with love.
playing in a constant loop in my head lately:
- Ingrid Michaelson: Girls and Boys
- Track: “The Way I Am“
Holiday Shopping Suggestion: Akawelle
This is so beautiful:
My friend Cori does incredible things. Years ago I was going to go to Africa with her to help restock a medical facility or build a school or something super-important like that, but instead I sent them my father’s laptop and started working for Mind of Mencia. I will probably never recover from the Karmic debt I created with that decision. But I can keep trying.
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