click.
It’s time for me to take a new author photo. Some of you may remember how spectacularly the last one was received. I was tired of talking about my long hair in the old shot. It had been in two books, three periodicals and an Aspen promo. It was two years old. Time for an update.
on the way home.
EXT. LOS ANGELES STREET — DAY
A YOUNG WOMAN WAITS AT THE CROSSWALK, FIDDLING WITH HER PURSE, LOST IN THOUGHT. A YOUNG, ATTRACTIVE, AFRICAN-AMERICAN MAN APPROACHES HER. HE’S HOLDING A PIECE OF PAPER AND A PENCIL, LIKE HE HAS BEEN INTERRUPTED.
MAN
I just saw you in the bookstore, and I wanted to come out here… I never do this… and I don’t mean anything by this, I just had to tell you… you are a beautiful woman.
WOMAN
Oh! Thank you.
SHE TUCKS BACK HER HAIR, LOOKS HIM OVER AND IS SURPRISED AT HOW NORMAL HE LOOKS, AS THIS NEVER HAPPENS TO HER WITH SOBER STRANGERS.
MAN
No, really. I just… I had to tell you. Just so, I don’t know why I had to tell you. But I did. I needed to. You needed to know. Not that… I don’t know.
WOMAN
Thanks.
MAN
What’s your name?
WOMAN
Pam.
SHE THINKS: SHOULD HAVE SAID “PAMELA.” SOUNDS MUCH PRETTIER. WHY DOES IT MATTER? IT DOES.
MAN
I’m Christopher.
WOMAN
Nice to meet you.
THE LIGHT TURNS GREEN. SHE STEPS ONTO THE CURB.
MAN
Uh, hey! Where are you from?
WOMAN
I live around here.
SHE DOESN’T. BUT IT SOUNDS BETTER THAN “I’M MARRIED.”
WOMAN (cont)
Have a nice day, Christopher. And thanks.
MAN
I live around here too! Maybe I’ll see you.
WOMAN
Bye.
FLASHBACK
INT. CROWDED HOLLYWOOD MOVIE THEATER — THAT MORNING
THE YOUNG WOMAN IS WATCHING A TRAILER. THE STRANGER NEXT TO HER NUDGES HER ELBOW.
STRANGER
(GESTURING TO SCREEN)
I worked on that.
WOMAN
Hey, congratulations!
THE TRAILER CHANGES TO ONE WITH A SERIOUSLY HOT BRUNETTE WOMAN TAKING OFF HER BRA. THE WOMAN NUDGES THE MAN.
WOMAN
That’s me.
THE STRANGER HOLDS UP HIS FIST FOR HER TO DAP. SHE PUNCHES IT LIGHTLY.
END OF FLASHBACK
INT. CORNER STORE – A FEW MINUTES LATER
THE CASHIER INCORRECTLY RINGS UP THE WOMAN’S PURCHASE. IT SAYS $0.71.
WOMAN
I’ll take it!
CASHIER
Oh, ha-ha! I see you have the money, though.
THEY STARE AT THE CASH IN HER HAND.
WOMAN
Looks like I do.
MAN
Tell you what. You keep coming here, and if you ever don’t have enough, I’ll give it to you for seventy-one cents.
WOMAN
Oh.
MAN
I’m serious. Today you have the money, but you might not tomorrow. And that’s when you can just take it. For you. Just promise to come back and see me again.
WOMAN
Well, thank you.
WOMAN WALKS BACK TO HER CAR WONDERING, “WHAT THE HELL? THIS STUFF NEVER HAPPENS TO ME. MARRIAGE SURE DOES MAKE YOU ATTRACTIVE TO OTHER PEOPLE. EITHER THAT, OR I MUST REMEMBER TO WEAR THIS HOT PINK TANK TOP EVERY DAY FOR THE REST OF MY LIFE.”
a conversation with chito.
PAMIE
Hello?
CHITO
Aw, shit, Pam. How’s it goin’, girl?
PAMIE
Good. What’s up?
CHITO
I am watching… have you seen R. Kelly’s “Trapped in the Closet?”
PAMIE
No.
CHITO
Are you watching VH-1 right now?
PAMIE
No, not presently.
CHITO
I am. You have to turn it on.
PAMIE
Let me tell you something about time zones.
CHITO
Okay, well, whatever is right now central time, you need to be watching your time, because this shit is awesome. Five part R. Kelly — all five videos for “Trapped in the Closet.”
PAMIE
Five?
CHITO
Five. You think it’ll just be one, and then… there are four more. It’s great!
PAMIE
I…
CHITO
And this is like, he’s serious. He really thinks this is music. He says “door” just like in “I Believe I Can Fly.”
PAMIE
I don’t know what that means.
CHITO
R. Kelly is having a fight with some woman right now.
PAMIE
I thought he was trapped in a closet. Is it like “Blue Velvet?”
CHITO
Okay. Say you wake up in the morning, and you have to go to the store. That’s an R. Kelly song. Right there. “I woke up, I put on some socks, and got into my car because I had to go to the SAAAAAafewaaaay!”
PAMIE
Uh-huh.
CHITO
“I had to buy some asparrrrrraguuuuus! It was on saaaaaaAAAaaale!”
PAMIE
I get it.
CHITO
Oh, he’s having an argument with a lady. Oh, this is the funniest shit. You have to watch this. Turn it on right now.
PAMIE
It’s not on right now.
CHITO
I wish it was! Oh! I don’t want to ruin this for you. You have to just watch it.
PAMIE
Okay, TiVo says it’s on at 12:30. It just says “Special.”
CHITO
God, it is really special. And listen, when you watch it? Don’t delete it. Because you’re going to want to watch this like, many times to get its full impact. Oh! R. Kelly just got a ticket.
PAMIE
“I got a speeeeding ticket. And now I’ll have to go to defeeeensive driiiiving! Maybe at Comedy Schooool!”
CHITO
You got it, girl. You can now write the collective works of R. Kelly.
PAMIE
Never had one lesson!
CHITO
“My last speeding ticket still hasn’t been resolved, so now my ride might be taken under posEEEESsssioon!”
PAMIE
“And my last ticket was a load of crap because it said I did a rolling stop when really I was just LAAAATE for a MEEEEEting!”
CHITO
I’ve already successfully converted several daily events until successful versions of this song. “Today I woke up my daughters, and then I toooook a shiiiiit! Had to wiiiipe my assssss!”
PAMIE
This is how R. Kelly got in trouble in the first place.
CHITO
Pam! Turn this on!
PAMIE
I’ve set the TiVo! And now TiVo is going to think I like R. Kelly. And it will one day be used in a court of law as evidence against me.
CHITO
I’m going to have to stay up so late tonight to watch this shit, and I do not care. Oh, God, R. Kelly. Thank you for this masterpiece. I have a court case in the morning, and I have to represent this drive-by, and I do not care. Oh, this is amazing. I don’t want to spoil it for you. How late do you stay up?
PAMIE
Pretty late.
CHITO
Oh, he just — I… oh, man. Oh, man! R. Kelly. He really thinks this is good! This is incredible. I had to make sure you saw this.
PAMIE
I appreciate you thinking of me.
CHITO
You know I had to call you.
PAMIE
Well, thank you. Because I didn’t have a blog entry for today. And thanks for giving me something to look forward to tonight.
CHITO
Oh, I have to hang up. I… R. Kelly, man. This is… Bye.
[PAMIE hangs up. Three minutes later, a text message from Chito arrives: OMG IT IS UNRELENTING.]
my iPod is waiting
Reading about my good friends The Damn Millionaires recording their first album has me filled with pride. It is also bittersweet, because it makes me miss them so much more. Good to know I could still be there, in some way, even if it was a pretty smarty-pants way to be there.
A Few Minutes With This Guy.
“Hey-hey, ladies! You like my sign? Show me your rack! And blow me up, Tom! And woo-hoo!
You know what’s cool about Tom Leykis? Everything. The man tells me exactly how to keep my cash in the bank, and not have to spend any of it on gold digging bitches. That’s all I get these days, are gold digging bitches. Every woman is on my jock, hoping to shake out a few nickels.
Crazy From the Heat
I somehow got away with spending my entire yesterday in a bikini.
I somehow got away with spending my entire past week like I was still in high school.
Monday night I went to spend time with my oldest friend. I saw clips from the movie he wrote and directed. It’s the biggest thing he’s ever done, and it’s good to see him so proud of something.
We looked at his baby pictures, watching him get older and older, going through sad phases, grumpy phases, one unfortunate tryst with a mullet.
I turned the page and smiled.
“That’s the boy,” I said.
“Yeah, look how young I am.”
“I can’t believe we have known each other that long.”
“Look how good I look in this picture.”
“I know. That’s why I was a moron for you.”
Two Stories I Almost Forgot To Tell
Yes, it’s way too late to be blogging on a Friday night. What the fuck were you doing at this hour that’s so much better?… Oh, really? Yeah, that’s pretty cool. Anyway, I was remembering to write these two stories.
a typical phone call.
STEE
Hello?… Hi, Steph….Uh-huh. It goes…
(sings) “Streaks on the china, never mattered before. Who cares?”… Right… It goes, “Streaks on the china, never mattered before. Who cares? When you drop-kicked your jacket, as you came through the door, no one glares!”
… Okay. You’re welcome. Bye.
a simple phone call.
AB
Hellooo00ooo0o?
PAMIE
Ha! Hi.
AB
Why are you laughing at me?
PAMIE
Why did you answer the phone like that?
AB
Like what?
PAMIE
“Hellllo000oo0oo0?”
AB
Shut up. Did I sound like that?
PAMIE
“Hellllo000oo0oo0?”
Best two lines said to me over the past day:
“Oh, she was always buying bras and eating these strange pretzels.”
And:
“Bring all the girly things that make you look pretty.”
Latest Comments