First, by specific request, this picture:
And now…more songs!
After discovering that this was not the Wilson Phillips song or any musical derivation therein, we pretty much decided we had no use for it. “Hold On” by Wilson Phillips is an untouchable classic! Don’t name another song “Hold On!” It would be like if you were listening to the radio one day and they were like, “Aaaaand this is the new single by Maroon 5, entitled ‘Mozart’s Requiem,’ and it’s gonna be a big hit!”
I Got You Babe
You don’t need to remember the difficulty level of each song when you ROCK EACH OF THEM EQUALLY, but this one, due to its one note, sits firmly in the “Easy” section. That is, unless you’re referring to whether or not it is easy to listen to it for the three millionth time. It’s not. Shut up, Medley Mode.
If I Ain’t Got You
I actually heard this song on the radio the other day, and was like, “The Alicia Keys cover isn’t that terrible, I guess, but I really like the original Stee version, like, a whole lot better.”
In the Midnight Hour
After unlocking this classic, we have yet to return to it since. We really ARE going to wait ’til the midnight..zzzzzzzzzzzzzz.
Joy to the World
In the world, there are three songs I hate above and beyond all others. Three songs that do not stand up to a plaintive “Oh, just leave it on!” when it comes on the radio. Three songs that will cause me to leave the bar when they come on the jukebox, but not before slapping the back of the head of he or she who is responsible for the song’s playing. Three songs that make you wish for the uninventing of that tool of musical destruction known the world round as “the guitar.” Those three songs are: Jim Croce’s “Time in a Bottle,” Harry Chapin’s “Cat’s in the Cradle,” and, of course, Don McLean’s very, very devilish “American Pie.” Together, those three songs make up the worst that pop music has to offer. They are the Melanie Griffith of music. But there is a second class of horrible song just below that — let’s call it “the Andie McDowell of music” — that causes one to lunge for the radio before the song makes it to its second note. At least, with this second class, there is a kind of entertaining challenge in how long it takes to change the station. The number one offender on this list is Smash Mouth’s “All Star,” and you get 100 Dan’s Car Points if you can slam on the button before whats-his-singer is even done with the word “SomeBODY.” Next on the list is “One Week” by Barenaked Ladies, and the challenge is making it go away before the end of the words, “Yit’s been.” And what the fuck is a “yit,” anyway? The third offender on this list is “Joy to the World,” the most jovial of all of them, and I do not understand why anyone who has ever heard another song ever would rank this as even slightly listenable. Don’t be friends with a bullfrog. Don’t sing this song in my house.
Killing Me Softly
Oy, this is a hard one. You think you’re going to do all right and you get through the intro and everyone’s all pouring wine and walking around casually and yelling “Two Times!” when the song cues them to do so. And then that little line that you have to follow to sing the right note goes all Parkinsons and you’re like, “Are you KIDDING me?” and you think maybe you’ll never get a platinum on every song and unlock that cheat that gives you the all-zombie crowd after all.
Leave (Get Out)
“You said / That you / Would treat me right / But it was just a waste of time.” Now THAT is some serious scansion right there, Jojo.
We have to talk about “Love Shack.” Because for all we may make fun of him and do the Fred Schneider voice as often as possible in our lives (shut up. You totally do), the man has a specialized skill that it appears difficult to replicate within the confines of this game. Because he doesn’t really sing any notes. He more hangs out near them, going shopping for colorful hats with them. Notes are his fag hags, but they never commit to being anything more. Someone transcribe the words “about to set saaaail!” on staff paper for me and maybe I’ll change my mind. The female part, on the other hand, is the lower harmony of the two girls, so you have to sing the song forty times before you figure out exactly what they’re looking for. Another drawback: no bonus points for your awesome inflection on the words, “Tin roof…rusted!”
Meant to Live
I don’t know what this is. Is this god rock?
Evanescence. Out of respect to Pam, I shall say no more.
New York, New York
What am I, a hundred? Shut up, “New York, New York.”
Oops! I Did It Again
Dan: I love this song.
Pam: It is good.
Dan: This is currently my favorite Britney song.
Dan: This game should totally have “Toxic.”
Pam: Karaoke Revolution 2 has “Toxic.”
Dan: I really hope someone buys that for us soon. Hey, what’s that through the window?
Pam: That’s the sun.
Dan: Man, we really haven’t been outside in a while.
Find out what sucking at this song means to me.
Apparently, there are numerous songs floating around out there with this title, so I’ll give you a heads up. This one is, “You’re a shining star / No matter who you are.” Unfortunately, that is probably all you know of that song if you’re, well, me. Watching this song pop up is the fastest way to get flustered into that KR3 ghetto known as “MEDLEY FAILED.” Get up, Sara M. Pointing and laughing is rude.
And just when I was ready to think I didn’t like the collected works of Nickelback. Hoo boy, was I wrong. Right around the words, “Now the story’s played out like this / Just like a paperback novel / Let’s rewrite an ending that fits / Instead of a Hollywood horror,” you start to wonder if this band invented the dotted one-millionth note and you can’t believe how limber you have to be to fit the words “Hollywood horror” into a line that size. It’s not easy. You have to REALLY not know that much about music theory. Coming up in KR4: Dan inadvertently defends “Yellowcard.”
Take My Breath Away
Like “Don’t You Forget about Me,” you’ll be happier hearing it on Big 104’s Saturday Night At The 80s than you will hearing it coming out of your own mouth.
I actually heard this song on the radio the other day, and was like, “The Dido cover isn’t that terrible, I guess, but I really like the original Stee version, like, a whole lot better.”
Where to start with “The Reason”? How about with the words, “I’m not a perfect person.” Except if you’re engaged in a heated Knock-Out round and you tie with Pam at 50,000 points each. The only losers are the dogs, holwing for miles around. This is also the song that inspired the idea for Pam, Stee, Adam, Rebecca, Sara, and myself to spend a night at the All-Star Lanes karaoke bar singing only songs from KR3. Hide your hearing aids when this song comes on, y’all. You won’t be needing them.
Twist & Shout
Before you celebrate the fact that this game has a Beatles song on it, call me when they have “Nowhere Man.” Calling “Twist & Shout” a Beatles song is like calling “The Reason” a “song.”
See “Killing Me Softly,” minus the two times.
WHY CAN’T WE GIVE LOVE GIVE LOVE GIVE LOVE GIVE LOVE [quick catch breath] GIIIIIIIVE LOVE!
When I’m Gone
Stop growling at me, all three doors.
Why Can’t I
I actually heard this song on the radio the other day, and was like, “The Liz Phair cover isn’t that terrible, I guess, but I really like the original Stee version, like, a whole lot better.”
You’re the One That I Want
Yeah. I don’t know. Call when there’s something from Xanadu.